Disclaimer: This in no way represents the extent of his comedic genius. I just didn’t copy down every single line of his I’ve heard.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?”
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included... So I had to buy ’em again
I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.
I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone.
Women: can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I lost a buttonhole...
I met her at Macy’s. She was shopping...I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.... When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Sponges grow in the ocean ... that kills me. I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row.”
[Referring to a glass of water]: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
A metaphor is like a simile.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don't know how.” She said, “It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”