John Petrie’s Collection of

<--Back to the greatest movie, TV, and song lines

Okay, that does it! Now, listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!

-Eric Cartman, South Park, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe”

Stan: You know, somebody once said, “Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man.”
Jesus: Who said that?
Stan: You did, Jesus.
Jesus: You’re right, Stan. Thank you, boys!
Kyle: Wow, did he say that in the Bible?
Stan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.

-South Park, “Damien”, during the boxing match between Jesus and Satan

Stan: Dude, we don’t have any talent.
Cartman: That didn’t stop any of the other boy bands, damn it!

-South Park,

Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I’m sorry, Wendy. But I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

-South Park, "The Simpsons Already Did It"

Yes! I am God of the sea people!

-Eric Cartman, South Park, "The Simpsons Already Did It"

Cartman: M-o-o-o-mmm, Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.

-South Park, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
Bebe's mom: Oh, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.

-South Park, "Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society"

I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

-Eric Cartman, South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Stan: The note says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.

-South Park, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!

-Eric Cartman, South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass. Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Get as sick as you want, just give me a goddamn bass line!
Token: [Plays the bass expertly] Oh, goddammit.

-South Park, "Christian Rock Hard"

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

-South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

-South Park, "Ladder to Heaven"

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

-South Park

Stan: Jimmy, can you tell Wendy that she's a continous source of inspiration?
Jimmy [to Wendy]: Stan says that your a cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt...
Wendy: Well, tell Stan to FUCK OFF! [walks away]
Jimmy: ...a continuous s-source of inspiration.

-South Park

Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe. That's good. Just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.

-Mr. Garrison, South Park, "Pink Eye"

Kyle: Hey, Mole! Be careful.
Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what's good for people more than they do.

-Rob Reiner, South Park, "Butt Out"

Stan: Right as Jesus was dying he raised his hand [Stan makes the Vulcan salute] and said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
Randy: You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right. Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book.
Stan: It ain't bad. You should try reading it some time.
Kyle: Dude, that was "Star Trek" again! "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"—that was Wrath of Khan!
Stan: Oh... Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?

-South Park, "Spontaneous Combustion"

Officer Barbrady: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement!
Cartman: They're not people; they're hippies!

-South Park, "Die Hippie, Die"

Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ!

-Mr. Garrison, South Park, "Trapper Keeper"

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