John Petrie’s Collection of

South Park Quotes


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Okay, that does it! Now, listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe”

Stan: You know, somebody once said, “Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man.”
Jesus: Who said that?
Stan: You did, Jesus.
Jesus: You’re right, Stan. Thank you, boys!
Kyle: Wow, did he say that in the Bible?
Stan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
-South Park, “Damien”, during the boxing match between Jesus and Satan

Stan: Dude, we don’t have any talent.
Cartman: That didn’t stop any of the other boy bands, damn it!
-South Park,

Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I’m sorry, Wendy. But I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.
-South Park, "The Simpsons Already Did It"

Yes! I am God of the sea people!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, "The Simpsons Already Did It"

Cartman: M-o-o-o-mmm, Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
-South Park, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
Bebe's mom: Oh, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.
-South Park, "Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society"

I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Stan: The note says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.
-South Park, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass. Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Get as sick as you want, just give me a goddamn bass line!
Token: [Plays the bass expertly] Oh, goddammit.
-South Park, "Christian Rock Hard"

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.
-South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
-South Park, "Ladder to Heaven"

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?
-South Park

Stan: Jimmy, can you tell Wendy that she's a continous source of inspiration?
Jimmy [to Wendy]: Stan says that your a cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt...
Wendy: Well, tell Stan to FUCK OFF! [walks away]
Jimmy: ...a continuous s-source of inspiration.
-South Park

Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe. That's good. Just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.
-Mr. Garrison, South Park, "Pink Eye"

Kyle: Hey, Mole! Be careful.
Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!
-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what's good for people more than they do.
-Rob Reiner, South Park, "Butt Out"

Stan: Right as Jesus was dying he raised his hand [Stan makes the Vulcan salute] and said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
Randy: You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right. Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book.
Stan: It ain't bad. You should try reading it some time.
Kyle: Dude, that was "Star Trek" again! "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"—that was Wrath of Khan!
Stan: Oh... Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?
-South Park, "Spontaneous Combustion"

Officer Barbrady: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement!
Cartman: They're not people; they're hippies!
-South Park, "Die Hippie, Die"

Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
-Mr. Garrison, South Park, "Trapper Keeper"

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