John Petrie’s Collection of

Simpsons Quotes


<--Back to the greatest movie, TV, and song lines

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn’t brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
-The Simpsons, “Faith Off”

Homer: Hello… My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uhh, what’s your first name?
Homer: I don’t know…
-The Simpsons, “Blood Feud”

I can’t take his money. I can’t print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don’t I just lie down and DIE?
-Homer Simpson, “Half Decent Proposal”

To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”

Pff, English. Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
-Homer Simpson, “The Way We Was”

Damn it, Smithers, this isn’t rocket science; it’s brain surgery!
-Mr. Burns, “Treehouse of Horror II”

Marge, you’re my wife, I love you very much, but you’re living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
-Homer Simpson, “Blood Feud”

Unshrink you?! Well, that would require some sort of a re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous, it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, hmm-hey—ahh, but not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and vengeance and the blood reign and the hey, hey, hey, it hurts me.
-John Frink-like scientist in the world Lisa creates, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

Oh, boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!
-Ralph Wiggum, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

Now, look, boy. If your da goes ga-ga, you just use that…shin of yours to call me, and I’ll come a-runnin’. But don’t be readin’ my mind between 4 and 5. That’s Willie’s time!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Treehouse of Horror V” (easily the best Halloween episode)

Todd: Is he killing that guitar, daddy?
Ned: Yes, son…
-The Simpsons, “Faith Off”

Trent Steel: You like Thai?
Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?
-The Simpsons, “Homer to the Max”

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G’s!
-Homer Simpson, “Homer to the Max”

Don’t blame me; I voted for Kodos.
-Homer Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

I think Bart’s stupid again, Mom.
-Lisa Simpson, “Bart the Genius” (that’s my mom’s favorite Simpsons quote)

Fat Tony is a cancer on this city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... What cures cancer?...
-Chief Clancy Wiggum, “Bart the Murderer”

Marge: Well, Lisa is now a horse and Bart is dead.
Homer: Well, me saying sorry isn’t going to fix things.
Marge: The gypsy said it would!
Homer: She’s not the boss of me.

Oh, “meltdown”. It’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an “unrequested fission surplus”.
-Mr. Burns

Bart: How would I go about creating a half man–half monkey type creature?
Ms. Krabappel: I’m sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God, schmod, I want my monkey-man!
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Friend Falls in Love”

Lisa: I think it’s ironic that Dad saved the day while a thinner man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it’s ironic that for once Dad’s butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga—
Marge: Bart!
-The Simpsons, “King-Size Homer”

Welcome Candy Convention, Room I; Candy-Shaped Rat Poison Convention, Room II.
-sign on the marquee of a convention hall, The Simpsons, “Homer Badman”

Two, four, six, eight, Homer Simpson’s crime was great!
Great meaning large or immense; we used it in the pejorative sense!
-stupid feminist picketers, “Homer Badman”

Professor Frink/Professor Frink/He’ll make you laugh/He’ll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the…person… Oh, that monkey’s going to pay…
-John Frink, “The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink” theme song, “22 Short Films About Springfield” (my favorite episode)

Marge: Watch out for the apple pie.
Grandpa: Uh-ohh…
Marge: Grandpa, did you sit on the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so.
-The Simpsons, “Burns, Baby Burns”

Board chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant…
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin!
Board chairman: …misuse of cadavers…
Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I use the carpool lane!
-The Simpsons, “22 Short Films About Springfield”

A test score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms, 300, a new dormitory. In your son’s case, we would require an international airport.
-Yale admissions guy, The Simpsons, “Burns, Baby Burns”

Chief Wiggum: Did you trace the phone number?
Lou: Sure did, chief.
Chief Wiggum: 555… aww, it’s gotta be phony.
-The Simpsons, “Burns, Baby Burns”

Homer: We’re going out, Marge! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!
Marge: Okay!…
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”

Lisa: But it can’t be an angel!
Moe: Oh, yeah? If you’re so sure what it ain’t, how about telling us what it am?
-The Simpsons

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.
-Homer Simpson

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.
-Ralph Wiggum, “Grade School Confidential”

Oh, my God! Space aliens! Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
-Homer Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

Hey, there’s a balloon machine in our bathroom!
-Bart Simpson

Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead.
-Krusty the Clown, “Sideshow Bob’s Last Gleaming”

Honey, I’d love to reassure you, but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot.
-Marge Simpson

Wait a minute—this sounds like rock and/or roll.
-Reverend Tim Lovejoy, “Bart Sells His Soul”

No, that’s German for “The Bart, The.”
-Sideshow Bob, “Cape Feare”

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I’m the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What’d you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
-The Simpsons, “Cape Feare”

Lisa, get in here... In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
-Homer Simpson

Lisa: “Nuke the whales”? You don’t really believe that, do you?
Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke somp’m.
Lisa: Touché.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Date With Density”

God Welcomes His Victims.
-marquee at Springfield Community Church “Hurricane Neddy”

Next up’s a real lowlife. Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison.
-Waterville State Penitentiary warden/rodeo announcer, at the prison rodeo, The Simpsons

Oh… Well, lots of people shoot Apu. It’s just a $100 fine now.
-Marge Simpson

Marge: Lisa, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time…
-The Simpsons, “Homer and Apu”, on Apu’s Indian food

Enlightened Kwik-E-Mart CEO: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That’s great because all I need is one.
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
CEO: Yes
Homer: Really?
CEO: Yes
Homer: You?
CEO: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer and Apu”

If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer and Apu”

This whole raid is as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there… Wait a minute—there’s a lemon behind that rock!
-Bart Simpson, “Lemon of Troy”

Once a week, every week.
-slogan on the newspaper machine that dispenses the Shelbyville Daily

Bonjourrrrrrrr, ya cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys!
-Groundskeeper Willie, teaching French, “’Round Springfield”

What I’m saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
-Homer Simpson, “’Round Springfield”

Apu: I always thought karma was baloney, but now I know it’s not.
Homer: Mmmm, caramel baloney…
-The Simpsons

Homer: Awww, twenty dollars… I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
-The Simpsons, “Boy-Scoutz N the Hood”

I like pizza
I like bagels
I like hot dogs with mustard and beer.
I’ll eat eggplant,
I could even eat a baby deer
La la la la la la la laaaa…
Who’s that baby deer on the lawn there?...
-Homer Simpson, “Guess Who’s Coming to Criticize Dinner”

Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it’s lost all meaning.
-The Simpsons, “She of Little Faith”

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day.
-Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s First Word”

I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... man!
-Rainier Wolfcastle, “Children of a Lesser Clod”

I can’t believe “smell ya later” replaced “goodbye.”
-Bart Simpson, “Bart To the Future”

Oh, relax kids. I’ve got a gut feeling Uter’s around here somewhere. After all, isn’t there a little Uter in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he’s in our stomachs right now! Wait, scratch that one.
-Principal Skinner, “Treehouse of Horror V”

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals... Except the weasel.
-Homer Simpson, “Boy-Scoutz N the Hood”

Ralph: I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids!—Oh! I bent my Wookie…
Lisa: Hey, Ralph, wanna play anagrams with us?
Allison: We take the names of famous people and rearrange the letters to spell a description of that person.
Ralph: My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Rival”

Assistant: Mayor, there’s an angry mob to see you.
Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Assistant: Uhhh… yes, it does.
Skinner (from the back): I phoned ahead!
-The Simpsons, “Much Apu About Nothing”

Grandpa Simpson’s father: See this, boy? This is where we’re going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday…
Grandpa: Later that day, we set sail for America.
-The Simpsons, “Much Apu About Nothing”

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!
-The Simpsons

Behold... the rarest of the rare: the mythological two-headed hound... born with only… one head!
-Chief Wiggum, “Lisa’s Wedding”

The legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit and… the BODY of a rabbit!
-Chief Wiggum, “Lisa’s Wedding”

Smithers: Oh, Mr. Burns, we’ll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for... seventeen stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys?
Professor Frink: Well, we’re up to fifteen!
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”

You know that little ball you put on your antenna so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car!
-Homers Simpson, “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?”

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
-Rainier Wolfcastle as Radioactive Man, “Radioactive Man”

Mr. Burns: By cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter’s work out of those low-lives.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Mr. Burns: Hmmm… Perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone’s slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror V”

We are the mediocre presidents
You won’t find our faces on dollars or on cents!
There’s Taylor, there’s Tyler, there’s Fillmore, and there’s Hayes
There’s William Henry Harrison, “I died in thirty days!”
We are the adequate, forgettable,
occasionally regrettable
caretaker presidents of the U…S…A!
-The Simpsons, “I Love Lisa”

I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.
-Abraham Simpson, “Homerpalooza”

Teen 1: Oh, great, here comes the cannon ball guy. He’s cool.
Teen 2: Are you bein’ sarcastic, dude?
Teen 1: I don’t even know anymore...
-The Simpsons, “Homerpalooza”

Lisa: Friends?... My only friends are grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”

Teen 1: So he goes like...
Erin: Pssh. I can totally hear him going that.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”

Homer: Hmm... Somebody’s traveling light.
Lisa: Meh, maybe you’re getting stronger.
Homer: Well... I have been eating more.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”

Captain Tenille: Ahh, Simpson, you’re like the son I never had.
Homer: And you’re like the father I never visit.
-The Simpsons, “Simpson Tide”

Space coyote: Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Homer: Where? Where?
Space coyote: This is just your memory. I can’t give you any new information.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”

Bart: Hey, look, is that Dad?
Lisa: Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”

Krusty Home Pregnancy Test
Warning: May cause birth defects.
-The Simpsons, “I Love Lisa”

Bart: I want to go with you, Dad.
Homer: Don’t you have school?
Bart: Don’t you have work?
Homer: Ah, touché.
-The Simpsons, “Maximum Homerdrive”

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
-Principal Skinner, “Duffless”

Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he’s eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves!
Mr. Burns: Hmph. Peter Graves couldn’t find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.
-The Simpsons, “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love”

All this yelling is taking away my horny.
-Russian model in Moe’s bar, “Homer the Moe”

Homer: Waitaminit waitaminit wait a minute... Lisa honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops!?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, maaagical animal.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.
-Marge Simpson

Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat anything you want, any time you want!
Marge: And you’ll lose weight?
Dr. Nick: Uhh, you might! It’s a free country!
-The Simpsons,

Look, Big Daddy, it’s regular Daddy!
-Ralph Wiggum, “The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase”

Cadet Larsen: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
-The Simpsons, “The Secret War of Lisa Simpson”

Marge: Don’t let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn’t take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding-dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I’ll be at Moes.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop dee doo. Who gives a bibble? Gabba-gabba hey.
-The Simpsons, “C.E.D’oh!”

Now a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled.
-Mr. Burns, “C.E.D’oh!”

Homer: Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printers!
Lisa (reading): “Come to Homer’s B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B.”
Bart: What’s that extra B for?
Homer: That’s a typo.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

This is so weird! It’s like something out of Dickens...or Melrose Place.
-Lisa Simpson, “Mother Simpson”, upon meeting Homer’s mother

Skinner: Ahh, head-lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call.
Ms. Krabappel: Oh, you talk to much. Let’s do it on Martin’s desk.
Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. Dignity”

So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my head. It was like a whole different kind of cheating!
-Bart Simpson, “Homer vs. Dignity”

Lisa: Hi, Mr. Flanders, I see you’re reading the paper.
Flanders: Everything but the opinions page. I don’t need to be told what to anyone living.
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”

Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the universe, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every 7 years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.
Groundskeeper Willie: You cannot do that, sir. You don’t have the power!
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign... Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign... Thy will be done.
-Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”

Marge: I’m not gonna live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!
Homer: Don’t be so stubborn!
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror I”

Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate!
-Lisa Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?
Homer: Me!? I'm going to drink a lot of beer and stay out aaaall night!
-The Simpsons, “The Way We Was”

Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?
Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know...
-The Simpsons, “When Flanders Failed”

I used to think Marge was too good for me. She was always trying to change me. But then, part of her died, and so she stopped trying.
-Homer Simpson, “A Star is Born-Again”

Chief Wiggum: Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you.
Sarah: Oh, Clancy!
Chief: You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy...
-The Simpsons, “A Star is Born-Again”

Attention, workers: we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order:
Simpson, Homer.
That is all.
-Horst, “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”

Lisa: I feel like I’m gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We’re all going to die, Lise.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I...
-The Simpsons, “Kamp Krusty”

First you didn’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back—make up your mind!
-Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s Pony”

Hypnotist: You are all very good players.
Team: We are all very good players.
Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville!
Team: We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent!
Team: That’s impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
-The Simpsons, “Homer At the Bat”

Just think—with that lottery money, we could buy history books that know how the Korean War came out, math books without that base-6 crap, and a state-of-the-art detention hall where the children are held in place with magnets.
-Principal Skinner, “Dog of Death”

No, you got the wrong number, this is 9-1-...2.
-Chief Wiggum, “Dog of Death”, when someone calls the police station during the lottery drawing

Marge, I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically...we become a family of traveling acrobats.
-Homer Simpson, “Dog of Death”

Homer: He might have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.
Marge: What’s that?
Homer: .....A dinosaur.
-The Simpsons, “Dog of Death”

Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven’t had a single fire.
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Dog Gets an F”

Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is “How To Increase Your Word Power.” That thing is really, really, really... good.
-Homer Simpson, “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington”, to the Reader’s Digest lady

Question 60: I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.
-Miss Hoover, “Separate Vocations”, reading the class the career-preference test

I warned ya! Didn’t I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?
Lisa: No.
Bart: How about Methodist?
Lisa: NOOO!
Bart: Hey, how about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching!
-The Simpsons, “She of Little Faith”

Bart: Memo to self: Lock door.
Lisa: All right, I’ll go, you don’t have to be a jerk about it.
Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
-The Simpsons, “Brother’s Little Helper”

Dr. Hibbert: Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.
Homer: Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, I don’t want to pry into your personal life...
Homer: Then don’t.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”

Homer: Hey, I thought you never talked.
Teller: Uh, I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Oh, God, now Penn’s going to beat me.
Penn: Folks, it’s all part of the act!
Teller: No it isn’t! Don’t leave me alone with him!
Penn: You’ve ruined the act! I’m going to kill you!
Teller: He’ll do it! I’m not the first Teller.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”

There is no escape from the Fortress of the Mo-o-ollles!... Oh, except that.
-Hans Moleman, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”

See that ship over there? They’re re-broadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent—or so the legend goes.
-Homer Simpson

Lisa: But my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I’ve worked ever so hard.
Vicki: I’m sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearly not equal is called what, again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki: That’s right. And I didn’t tap all those Morse-code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.
-The Simpsons, “Last Tap Dance In Springfield”

You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.
-Marge Simpson, “Lisa’s Wedding”

Lisa: Wow, now that I’ve seen this, isn’t there any way to avoid it?
Fortune teller: No, but try to look surprised.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”

Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena.
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror X”

Homer: Marge, we’re going out! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!
Marge: Okay!...
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”

You know, I’ve had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
-Homer Simpson, “Poppa’s Got a Brand-New Badge”

The whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time.
-Homer Simpson, “Bart’s Comet”

House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: That’s bad.
Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings!
Homer: That’s good!
Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Several seconds of silence...] That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
-The Simpsons, "

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Realease the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
-Homer Simpson

Homer: Mmmmmm... Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four (chews)... Sixty-three (chews)... [cut to much later] Two (chewing slowly)... One...
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I’m blind...
-The Simpsons, “Rosebud”

Homer: Oh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duuhh.
-The Simpsons, “Flaming Moe’s”

No, Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him “Gamblor,” and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
-Homer Simpson, “$pringfield”

Joe’s Crematorium, you kill ’em, we grill ’em.
-Bart Simpson, answering the phone

Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog...
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly”, and the word “dog” with “son”.
-The Simpsons

Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer’s brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer’s brain: Swish!

Flanders: Homer, God didn’t set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian [camera pans to Flanders], Jew [Krusty], or...miscellaneous [Apu].
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.
-The Simpsons, “Homer the Heretic”

Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. There’s an angel missing!
Bart: And who’s your little school friend? Wait a minute... That’s Mom!
Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight!
[Bart and Homer high-five]
Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women?
Homer: Nope, that’s it.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Beauty Queen”

Chief Wiggum: That’s nice work with the bag-zooka, Lou.
Lou: Gotta love what you do, Chief.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”

I’m a level-5 vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.
-Jesse Grass, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”

Marge: Kids, why don’t you write a complaint letter? That’s how I got the Channel 6 weather girl to start wearing a bra.
Homer: That was you?!
Bart: A letter, huh? Okay Lis—get this down. Dear Randall Curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely...
Lisa: I’ll write the letter.
Homer: Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather!
-The Simpsons, on the crappy “Cosmic Wars” movie, “Co-Dependent’s Day”

Kids, while we’re out, the TV’s in charge. Go to bed when it says.
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”

I’m in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn’t listen to myself. I’m drunk!
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”

Why did I take so much punishment? Let’s just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
-Homer Simpson, “Behind the Laughter”

But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
-Jim Forbes, the narrator, “Behind the Laughter”

I was saving sugar for my wedding night!
-Todd Flanders, “The Fat and the Furriest”

See all that stuff in there, Homer? That’s why your robot never worked.
-Marge Simpson, on an Itchy robot, “Itchy and Scratchy Land”

Marge, can you set the oven to “cold”?
-Homer Simpson, after their refrigerator, being used as an air conditioner, burns out

Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked... Aww, come on, continue... C’mon, awwww... Alright, Lou, open fire.
-Chief Wiggum

I know Weinstein’s parents were upset, Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up, “Yom Kip-pur.”
-Principal Skinner

Marge: This house stinks! You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?
Homer: Do you have a better idea?
-The Simpsons, “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds”

Bart: You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.
[The message is passed by about 10 people...]
Guy: Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher!
-The Simpsons, “The PTA Disbands”

Homer: Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!
Shelby’s Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look!
Homer: Stupider like a FOX!
-The Simpsons, “Lemon of Troy”

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”

Springfield will have its first annual “Do What You Feel” festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up. It will be a welcome change to our “Do As We Say” festival, started by German settlers in 1946.
-Kent Brockman, “Bart’s Inner Child”

Here are your messages. You have thirty minutes to move your car. You have ten minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to move your cube.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer the Smithers”

Bart: There’s a box you can sleep in. Just move that cot out of the way.
Chester: Okay.
Bart: Do you know what radon is?
Chester: No.
Bart: G’night.
-The Simpsons, “The Day Violence Died”

Mom, there’s a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad’s upstairs.
-Lisa Simpson, “The Day Violence Died”

Ms. Krabappel: “Embiggens”? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
Ms. Hoover: I don’t know why. It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Iconoclast”

Charles Bronson–like boy: Hey, ma. How about some cookies?
Charles Bronson–like mom: No dice.
Boy: This ain’t over.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”

Chief Wiggum: You know, it’s kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.
Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Not really.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”

Bart: Come on, Chief, it was just a prank! Would some flatware make things right?
Wiggum: Um, what does it say on my badge? “Cash bribes only”! Lets go.
-The Simpsons, “The Wandering Juvie”

Homer: Bart, son, do you want to play catch?
Bart: No.
Homer: Oh, when a boy doesn’t wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong!
Abe: I’ll play catch with you, son!
Homer: Get the hell out!
-The Simpsons

Todd: Are you jealous of brother Homer, Daddy?
Flanders: Eh, maybe just a tad.
Rod: I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses!
-The Simpsons, "'Tis the Fifteenth Season"

Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival"

Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.
Sideshow Bob: Well, obviously.
-The Simpsons, "Brother From Another Series"

Oh, pardon me, Santos—if that is your real name, Bart Simpson—but your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants, and split.
-Comic Book Guy, "The Canine Mutiny"

[Reading] "Order by phone. 1-800..." Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless...
-Bart Simpson, "The Canine Mutiny"

Remember when he ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
-Milhouse, on Santa's Little Helper, "The Canine Mutiny"

Willy: Yeah, I bought your little mutt.... And I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'. So I geeeve him to the church
Bart: Ohhhh, you hate him so you gave him to the church?
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug... You heard me!
-The Simpsons, "The Canine Mutiny"

Now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
-Krusty the Clown, "'Tis The Fifteenth Season"

Bum: Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zelot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy.
Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! [gibberish]
Bum: Wow, now, that is good crazy!
-The Simpsons, "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore"

What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them—as is my understanding...
-Bart Simpson

Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
Marge: [voiceover] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.
Kang: Look behind you.
[Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam something on her.]
Kang: Insemination complete. [His helmet snaps back into place.]
Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick.
Kang: What are you implying?
Marge: Nothing, nothing.
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?
Principal Skinner: No, Mother!
Agnes: You sissy!
-The Simpsons, "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"

English side ruined... Must use French instructions... "Le grill"?! What the hell is that?!
-Homer Simpson, "Mom and Pop Art"

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me—so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson

Fire can be our friend, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
-Principal Skinner, "Brother's Little Helper"

Good morning, class. A certain agitator—for privacy's sake, lets call her "Lisa S."... No, that's too obvious. Uhh, let's say "L. Simpson"—has raised concerns about certain school policies...
-Principal Skinner, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup.
Marge: Ahh, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunking your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself; you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church. Or synagogue...
-Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red.... D'oh! Oh, okay, I'll send you a check.
-Homer Simpson

Homer: Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar just like your old man.
Bart: Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.
Homer: Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
-The Simpsons

Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life.
-The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
-Homer Simpson, "Team Homer"

Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
-Homer Simpson, "The PTA Disbands"

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
-Homer Simpson, "Bart the Genius"

Homer: What do you think Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV And No Beer Make Homer... something something".
Marge: "Go crazy"?
Homer: Don't mind if I do! [insane gibberish]
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
-The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max"

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
-The Simpsons, "Burns' Heir"

I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice. See, there it is. But that was just a practice. The system works!
-Homer Simpson, "Little Big Mom"

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called..."The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down".
-Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files"

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... That was our planet! You maniacs!...You blew it up!... Damn you!... Damn you all to hell! [sobs]
-Homer Simpson, "Deep Space Homer"

Marge: I don't want you stalking people!
Homer: Fine, have it your own way. Now, I'll be back in a minute. I'm...going and Carl... D'oh!
-The Simpsons, "Homer the Great"

Skinner: You wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
-The Simpsons, "The Crepes of Wrath"

Homer: Bart, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: That's okay, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
-The Simpsons, "Like Father Like Clown"

Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
-Bart Simpson, "The Day the Violence Died"

Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
-Bart Simpson, saying grace, "Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish"

Can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
-Chief Wiggum, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

A-B-C-D-E-F-G... [long pause] How I wonder what you are...
-Ralph Wiggum

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer!
-The Simpsons, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.
-Marge Simpson, "Home Away From Homer"

Jebediah Springfield [in video]: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
Ms. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Iconoclast"

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly… It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.
-The Simpsons, “Blood Feud”

This is indeed a disturbing universe.
-Maggie Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror V”

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