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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it's made up of two separate words—“mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus' flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Weekend Update quotes
The U.S. census was declared a failure by Democrats this week after only sixty-five percent of all households chose to respond to the questionnaire. But what’s the point of a census if they already have a complete list of all U.S. residents to mail the census to?
Beleagured Judge Robert Bork, in an effort to win some public sympathy, deliberately fell into an abandoned well in his back yard, trapping himself thirty feet underground. So far, no effort has been made to rescue him.
On Wall Street yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial plummetted more than 100 points, prompting New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Piniella.
While Wall Street suffered a down week, condom stocks continued to rise. I often hear people nowadays whine about the fact they have to wear condoms when they make love. This seems to me to be a rather minor argument. I’ll tell you how I approach it. I wear two in my everyday life. When I go to make love, I take one off, I feel like a wild man! Sort of like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle.
You know, this week an Iranian ship fired machine gun rounds at an “NBC Nightly News” helicopter, just missing the news crew. A spokesman for the Iranian government apologized later in the day saying, “Hey, we’re sorry! We thought it was the ‘Today Show’ helicopter!”
You know, today marks the birthday of Ludwig van Beethoven, the noted eighteenth century composer who inspired the hit song, “Roll Over, Beethoven.”
This is this week’s cover of TV Guide and, you know, I find it easier to believe in the concept of a sixteen-year-old surgeon than I do to believe in a sixteen year old kid who hasn’t asked his parents to stop calling him “Doogie.”
In the news this week: President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up and admitted that the only reason he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him in the next four years. “This guy is a walking, breathing bullet-proof vest,” said Bush.
East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoon for a quickie but it didn’t work and they once again agreed to see other countries.
Yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Since our Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have been nine hundred and thirty-five “Friday the thirteenths.” Which is only fourteen less than the number of Friday the 13th movie sequels.
And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is the premiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt for Red October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated as a submarine]
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set box office records again this week. The movie brought in one point five million dollars in L.A., two point three million dollars in New York, and an astonishing seventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.
President Bush reported that he shed ten pounds in the last three weeks, and hopes to lose another 165 pounds by November 1992. [Photo of Bush with Quayle]
President Reagan will ask Congress to establish cash awards for inventions, and the first $10,000 award will go to Admiral John Poindexter for that Iran story he came up with.
Here’s an update on that Amtrak accident this week: Amtrak officials this time are blaming a disgruntled employee who evidently painted the opening of a tunnel on the side of a mountain. The accused switchman, one William M. Coyote, is still missing. [Y'know, I have a feeling he really said, "William E. Coyote," but this is what I copied from another website, so I'll believe it until I hear it myself, which will probably be never.]
Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, this week, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning, in the smartest move of the year, the distant third-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought the entire water supply of North America.
Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.
You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”
Judge Anythony Kennedy took his place on the Supreme Court bench on Thursday. After the administration of the oath, the judges retired to a private party in their chambers, where Kennedy learned the secret handshake, chugged a pint of sloe gin, and made the traditional run around the Lincoln Memorial wearing nothing but his robe and a brassiere.
Yesterday, Fawn Hall was accused of sneaking classified documents out of the White House by hiding them in her underwear. However, Fawn is in the clear, since Oliver North was wearing her underwear at the time.
After 67 shutout innings, Dodgers pitcher Orel Hershiser finally surrendered a run this week to the New York Mets. Hershiser was getting very close to the all-time record of not getting scored on, set by Brooke Shields from the age of 16 to.. well, what time is it, huh?
And the fifth grossing film in America this week is “Young Guns”, the new film where everybody in it is Martin Sheen’s son, but nobody has the same last name. There’s a tight nuclear family, huh?
The U.S. Embassy in Kuwait has overcome a water shortage by digging a well in the embassy’s backyard and striking water. When jubilant relatives of embassy staffers in the United States were apprised of this they cheered, and a kinfolk issued a carefully worded statement in which they said “They ought to move away from there. Califonia’s the place they ought to be.” The last word we have is that the Embassy staffers loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly. Swimming pools. Movie stars. The Professor and Mary Anne.
Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos started campaigning for the January 17th election this week. So far his chances are excellent, considering he’s the only candidate. However, even that position seemed threatened yesterday, when he named Geraldine Ferraro as his running-mate.
The New York State Board of Regents this week voted to let high school girls play on teams with boys in contact sports. However, the girls must first be examined by a special Fitness Panel. So far, the biggest reaction is from the boys, who have given up sports and are now trying out for the Fitness Panel.
The U.S. and Soviet Union have agreed on a new treaty banning the proliferation of chemical weapons. The treaty is pending final agreement, on exactly where in New Jersey the weapons will be disposed of.
A nasal spray that stops bed-wetting was approved this week by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA has also approved plans for a catheter that will cure allergies.
In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women’s condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass.
This human interest item: According to a new compatibility study of married couples, only 25% of husbands kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. However, 99% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
Anti-violence advocates contend that violence on TV is directly linked to the rise of violence in society, and officials are doing nothing about it. They even pointed out that some cartoons such as the Road Runner are violent, resulting in a proposed bill calling for a mandatory 5-day waiting period before the purchase of an anvil, or any ACME product, including TNT detanators and strap-on rockets.
Well, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that both Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding will go on to the Olympics in Norway next month. However, in light of the recent events, Harding will be sent immediately to the penalty box for high-sticking.
And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner for naming his nightspot “Club Madonna.” The club owner has filed a countersuit claiming “Club Madonna” is not the name of his club but simply a suggestion.
A statistic in USA Today revealed that one out of every three smokers try to quit smoking each year. The other two quit breathing.
Blimpie has started supplying subs for Delta Airlines to serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta is giving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in its restaurants.
[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while 78 percent blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 percent because the math was done by a woman. ... [crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman, so...now you don’t know what the hell to do, do ya?... No, I’m just kidding, we don’t hire women.
Was O.J. Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? “Absolutely not,” said Defense Attorney Johnny Cochran today, “and a simple test of any of O.J.’s blood found at the crime scene will prove it.”
A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton. Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunctions. The president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of what went wrong with “Operation: Frayed Wire.”
According to a recent study published in New Choices magazine, the more household chores a husband does, the more likely his wife is to report having good sex. The article explains that when a man does a substantial amount of housework, it gives his wife some time to go out and find a real man to have sex with.
And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week to having sex with a sixth grade student whose child she bore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a “sex offender” or, as the kids refer to her, “The Greatest Teacher Ever.”
This week, after months of speculation, sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres finally admitted that, yes, she’s gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand deaths a year. In second place? O.J. Simpson at two deaths a year.
This week, Disney released a new CD featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single “Cat Killer.”
And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000th performance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It also marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, “What the hell is this?”
And, finally, John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be an adult film star. He has been signed to play himself in “The John Wayne Bobbitt Story.” The part of his severed penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore.
Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the United States because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was also rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic that she’ll get the OK to compete for The Republic of White-trash-istan.
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’s first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commanding officer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.” Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one of the area’s leading political figures, attended by the city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled.
Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by deer.
Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task force to determine whether federal campaign finance laws were violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both. Another task force will attempt to determine whether Attorney General Reno is a man, a woman, or both.
On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbia on its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttle will feature the first space walk ever by a Japanese astronaut who will get to take in the unique perspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder if there’s any chance he’ll, uh, take a picture?
Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her X and Y chromosomes.
There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week when the parents of the teenage babysitter with whom he had a five year affair decided not to pursue criminal charges. However, a lawyer for the babysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick, pathetic individual,” while the County District Attorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradle robber.” The only kind words came from his uncle, Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “an inspiration.”
At their annual convention this week, board members of the National Rifle Association narrowly elected actor Charlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gun lobby. According to Heston, his first priority will be a push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirty apes”!
On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tied Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine two hundred million positions per second, in the fourth game of their six game series. Earlier in the week, Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder in game two when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense that soon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, after Deep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantage with his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr. Kasparov...what the hell were you thinking?!
Late this week, President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss the sensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part, Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is right for Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying he must do what is right for China.
In other entertainment news, a religious group in Chile is trying to ban a new Claudia Schiffer film which features explicit lesbian sex scenes. According to the group, sex between two women is an abomination before God, almost as blasphemous as sex between a woman and David Copperfield.
In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafia turncoat Sammy “The Bull” Gravano revealed that John Gotti once considered trying to buy a presidential pardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano, however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involved with, quote, “those kinds of people.” [Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
According to O.J. Simpson’s niece Terry Baker, when O.J.’s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about the slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, “He did it!” Reached for comment, O.J. said, “My mom was just guessing, I hadn’t even told her yet.”
This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s entry into major league baseball, there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice in sports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shocking move today, all but one of the one hundred and twenty-five playing members of the Professional Golf Association have signed a petition to ban African-American golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]
Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mail carrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his job and now faces up to five years in jail for keeping two magazines which had been sent to a nonexistent address. Postal officials admit that they could have let him off with just a warning but then he wouldn’t come back some day and shoot thirty people... So...they decided to be a little strict...
Jonathan Schmitz, the “Jenny Jones” guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his fear and hatred of homosexuality, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. Well, I guess that plan backfired!
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: women can’t drive.
The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack.
In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakingly showed 5 minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network during an episode of “The Flintstones.” Experts say children who saw the episode called it “the best ‘Flintstones’ ever!”
Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, “It’s over.”
Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.
Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to be opened—and it appears Simpson may already have won ten million dollars.
Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.
In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn’t commit suicide only because, “My mother told me you don’t go to heaven if you kill yourself.” Oddly, his mother did say, “It’s okay to kill other people.”
In an act of conciliation, China released eight political prisoners this week. But they made it clear that the other seventy-nine million would be executed without a trial...
Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jury which had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars in punitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared “This is far from over”. Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said “I’m going to kill more people. What did you think I meant?”
Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire sentenced to death for killing a rooster, won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially off the hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the rooster in the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..
The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday, making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-Mart. Fellow Irish performer Sinead O’Connor was also on hand, but she works there.
In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to develop male sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno. [Photo of Janet Reno]
Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.
Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
Our top story tonight: In Los Angeles this week, Lyle and Eric Mendendez were found guilty of first-degree murder. So, to review California law: killing your wife: legal; killing your parents: illegal.
In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.
Also in entertainment, the play “Hiroshima,” a tribute to the victims of the first atomic bomb, with music and singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City this week. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack who attended the premiere called the play, quote, “the most horrifying experience of my life”!
Well, Bart, the eighteen-hundred-pound bear who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie “The Edge,” reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the grizzly’s income goes toward the preservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.
And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg’s will open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollar theme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket, pushes Play, and speaks into it] Note to self: start buying up land next to cereal theme park, then open Milk theme park...and watch the money roll in!...
It was revealed this week that defense lawyer Johnny Cochrane once abused his first wife. In his defense, Cochrane said, ”Hey at least I didn't kill her like some people I know.”
In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The first O.J. trial.
At the box office, last week's No. 1 movie, 'The First Wives Club,' was knocked out of the top spot by the new film, “The Hotter, Younger, 2nd Wives Club.”
While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote, 'You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of the presidency, to your gender and to this nation!' and then added, 'And I'm still voting for you.'
During a recent interview on '20/20,' longtime O.J. Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty. Though he did add that had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time, he would never have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife.
An independent study released this week confirms that President Clinton has appointed more minorities to high-level government posts than any other president. For purposes of the study, women were counted as minorities and Attorney General Janet Reno was counted as a woman.
Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. And, the week before, he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas: an attempt to kill 3 people at once.
In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack.
In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.
Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, O.J. Simpson demanded and got $500 in compensation. In addition, the restaurant must now offer separate murderer and non-murderer sections.
According to new medical studies, exposure to secondhand smoke dramatically increases a nonsmoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco company executives say the study proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that nonsmoking can kill you.
Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TV station in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be on TV with his case still pending, Ito said, “Maybe not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?”
Researchers have developed a so called 'red wine pill' which gives all of the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah! It's called a grape!
Roseanne was married on Valentines Day, and gee, you know as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on on the face of the planet.
New medical research shows that man and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days when men had to go out and hunt for food, while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.
The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onasis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well, to give you some idea, at the party, they had two cakes.
F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense only knew what Ron Goldman's last words where, they might be able to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me, Goldman's last words where probably, ah, “Hey, you're OJ Simpson!”
Oh, no! O.J. has struck again! How 'bout that? [Picture of a headline that says, 'Fifth O.J. juror axed']
A recent study shows the number of sexually active teenagers is leveling off at 53%. And another study shows the number of teenagers who tell their friends that they're sexually active is holding steady at 100%.
And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that OJ Simpson did not appear angry before, or after, the period of his wife's murder. But Kaelin admitted he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering her. Might have been... ah...
And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advises that men spend two months' salary on an engagement ring. Well, the American Housing Company suggests you spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent. Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommends you spend all your salary...on crack.
O.J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week, attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, O.J. pointed out, quote, “Hey they’re still alive, aren't they?!!”
At a press conference this week, FAA officials studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800, announced that they have pinpointed the cause: a frayed wire leading from the jet's fuel tank. According to the investigators, the wire became frayed when it was struck by a missile. That'll fray a wire.
Golden State Warrior's star Latrell Sprewell, suspended last week for attacking and choking his coach, has hired attorney Johnny Cochran to represent him. At a press conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client did not choke his coach, and even offered a reward to help find the real chokers.
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that actor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Francisco socialite Denise Hale. An observer who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life. (Norm's last joke on Weekend Update)
I was watching House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt on C-SPAN, where he appeared to discuss the pros and cons of the line-item veto with Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, and they went on to have a spirited debate on subjects ranging from immigration reform to the balanced-budget amendment. It might have seemed to be a dry half-hour of political discourse to many viewers, but I found it most enjoyable. It should be noted, however, that I was receiving oral sex from a crack whore at the time.
Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes.
In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAQ. The reason for the sudden downturn? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
According to the EPA, it will cost an estimated $295 million to clean up toxic waste at the former Lockheed Martin Military Air Craft Plant in California. The cause of the toxic waste? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
In Princess Anne, Maryland, state health officials have discovered what caused the mysterious death of 200,000 fish at a Somerset county fish farm. The culprit? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
Entertainment Weekly's list of the 101 World's Most Powerful People in Show Business is out. At number one, Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch. In second place? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
And, finally, the votes are in and Entertainment Weekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who is the Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it—Frank Stallone!... Congratulations, Frank Stallone!
Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probe orbiting Jupiter’s moon Europa suggest that it meets the conditions necessary to support a primitive life form. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.
And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The human being? You guessed it—Frank Stallone. [Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]
And finally, the #1 selling doll this Christmas is Tickle-Me Elmo. And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it—Tickle-Me Frank Stallone.
Helmut Kohl was elected to his fourth term as Germany’s chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kohl’s success was guaranteed after he won the backing of singing sensation David Hasselhoff... Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany where his series “Baywatch” celebrated its 100th straight week as the nation’s top TV show. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest appearance on the hit show “Baywatch.” Now, my research has uncovered that Fergie is actually British, not German, which, while not proving, certainly does nothing to disprove my time-tested theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicate that David Hasselhoff is a major recording star in that country, where his concerts routinely sell out and his albums turn platinum. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
The cast of “Baywatch” made a special appearance at Disney World in Florida where they were mobbed by adoring fans. Which proves my new theory: German tourists love David Hasselhoff!
Interview with Norm MacDonald and David Hasselhoff:
Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news, one of the world’s biggest stars just completed a whirlwind three-week world tour. Tonight he’s agreed to come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you very much! [laughs at all the applause] My recent world tour was an incredible experience. I went to twenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I’ve got some amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance, I was invited to the state dinner at the Emperor’s Palace. What I didn’t know was the emp—
MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a second. Did you just say Japan?
Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.
MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, you know, but I don’t think anybody cares about Japan. Why don’t you, ah, why don’t you focus on the countries where you’re, you know, you’re popular?
Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had an incredible experience. The entire cast of “Baywatch” was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds of thousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison, “Baywatch, Ba—”
MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait. Chinese people?
Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.
MacDonald: Look, why don’t we skip China? In fact, rule out all of Asia.
Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean, what do you want to hear about? I mean, I’ve got some great stories from all over the world.
MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, you know, ah, some place where you’re especially popular, you know, like in, uh, Europe.
Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy—
MacDonald: Northern Europe, Northern Europe!
Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay. I got you. There’s one country that they absolutely love me: Norway.
MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?! They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damn about Norway! What the hell’s wrong with you?
Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what’s going on here? I’ve never seen you like this.
MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you the truth, you know, I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the—how do the Germans feel about ya?
Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, we actually didn’t stop in Germany—
MacDonald: I don’t care about your stupid trip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize—in one sentence—the way Germans feel about you.
Hasselhoff: Well, I’ve always been fortunate to get a very positive response from the Germans—
MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time for false modesty! We’re runnin’ late, we gotta wrap this thing up! Do Germans love you?
Hasselhoff: Well, “love” is an awfully strong word...
MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen, David, uh... Let’s say a guy had a theory, all right?
Hasselhoff: All right.
MacDonald: A theory that he’s devoted several years of his life to. And let’s say he has a lot of evidence to back up this theory of his.
Hasselhoff: All right.
MacDonald: [puts a large pile of documents, file folders, etc., on desk—Hasselhoff is stunned] Now, don’t you think it would just be common courtesy to help that guy out, you know, and not—not ruin his life?
Hasselhoff: Listen, I don’t know what you want me to say here, pal.
MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I’ll write it down. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one, scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives it to David] Here! Say this!
Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper] “Germans love me.”
[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beaming MacDonald who addresses the camera.]
MacDonald: Which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers and applause.] And that’s the news! See you next time. Thank you, David.
Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was “his role model,” to which Clinton responded, “I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.”
Citing fundraising difficulties, Elizabeth Dole officially ended her bid for the Presidency on Wednesday. Quoting Teddy Roosevelt, Dole said, “It is far better to dare mighty things then to live in the gray twilight that knows not victory or defeat.” And then she quit. I don’t think she really understands what Roosevelt was trying to say... After her announcement, Bob Dole turned to his wife and remarked, “I knew Teddy Roosevelt, I worked with Teddy Roosevelt...and you are no Teddy Roosevelt.”
This week General Electric announced a recall of 3.1 million dishwashers. After hearing that there are over three million dishwashers in the United States, Pat Buchanan called once again for stricter immigration laws.
The New York chapter of the Ku Klux Klan held a rally in downtown Manhattan earlier today after a judge ruled this week that the city could not bar the march. New Yorkers responded to the ruling as expected: Within minutes of the judge’s decision, sidewalk vendors were out selling counterfeit white hoods.
Following a military coup in Pakistan Tuesday, the global community is now faced with an increasingly unstable relationship between two nuclear powers: Pakistan and its neighbor India. In the event of a nuclear conflict, experts envision a destroyed infrastructure, political chaos, and millions starving. In other words, nuclear war could set those countries back months.
The Supreme Court ruled this week that sexual assault victims cannot sue their alleged assailants in federal court without going through the state court. And before they do that, they must first appeal their cases to the NFL commissioner’s office.
South Carolina lawmakers voted Thursday to lower the flagpole for the state’s Confederate flag from 30 to 25 feet in an attempt to appease black opponents of the flag. Lawmakers insist, however, that the pole can’t go below 25 feet since, quote, “Then one of them will just jump up and pull it down.”
On the same day that South Carolina legislators finally agreed to remove the Confederate flag from the State House, the assembly also voted to establish a holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., becoming the last state in the union to do so. The date of the King holiday has officially been set for June 32nd.
Protestors this week formed a human chain around the U.S. Capitol to demand that wealthy countries cancel billions of dollars in debt so that the world’s most impoverished peoples can put the money toward more pressing needs in their own countries. Like building more luxury palaces for their oppressors.
This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word “Evolution” when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called “Jesus Horses.”
Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday. But, she feels like a 25-year-old inside.
Ground was broken in Fredericksburg, Virginia, this week for the National Slavery Museum. For the punchline of this joke, tune in next week when we have a different host. (Al Sharpton was hosting! Ha! That’s brilliant!)
Two high schools in Portland, Oregon, have banned pacifiers over concerns over the drug Ecstasy. Though perhaps a more effective measure would be to ban Ecstasy.
Portland Brewing Company has released a new beer called “Governator,” which they say is a tribute to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in no way qualified to be in a beer.
An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this is similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, “Close, but no cigar.”
A researcher in Seattle has developed a mathematical formula to predict the outcome of any marriage. And here it is: X... plus Jennifer Lopez... equals zero.
An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes after allegations surfaced that he fathered a child with a woman in a Chicago crack house four years ago. Advantage: Snipes. Your move, Bobby Brown.
Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James Van Der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, Van Der Beek said, “They were filming that?”
A study by the World Wildlife Fund reveals that bottled water is not any safer or healthier than tap water, just more expensive. An announcement that has triggered residents of Beverly Hills to go out and buy thousands of bottles of tap water.
Carol Dennis, a former backup singer for Bob Dylan, said this week that from 1986 to 1992, she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan, however, insists that the marriage was not a secret, it’s just that whenever he told people about it they couldn’t understand a word he said.
Chinese President Jiang Zemin meanwhile continues to insist that the United States take responsibility for the crash, stating, quote, “Americans have to learn that not every accident is the Chinese driver’s fault.”
A new line of T-shirts for women has been introduced based on “Sex and the City” that feature the words “I’m a Carrie, “I’m a Miranda,” “I’m a Charlotte” and “I’m a Samantha.” Women who purchase all four get a free fifth shirt: “I’m a Moron.”
Cereal maker General Mills is opening its own amusement park this week with attractions like the Lucky Charms Magical Forest, the Wheaties Hall of Champions, and the Fiber One restrooms.
It’s being reported that Tipper Gore is considering a run for the Senate seat once held by her husband Al Gore. Initial polls already have her winning by a landslide, because nobody wants to see Tipper lose and grow a beard.
New York police are already preparing for Monday's Braves–Mets game, which marks the return of controversial Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker. Police are particularly nervous because this monday at Shea Stadium is Homo Day.
Pope John Paul II appealed to Vice-President Dick Cheney to spare Timothy McVeigh's life. Reportedly, the Pope asked Cheney, "Is President Bush going ahead with the execution?" to which Cheney replied, "Are you Catholic?"
Researchers have found that bottle-nosed dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out vampire dolphins. Scientists believe that the dolphins' ability to use a mirror gives them a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera. [Photo of a very tacky-looking Christina Aguilera]
New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. That’s encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Fabergé eggs.
At the twelfth Annual Glaad Media Awards for positive portrayal of gays and lesbians, Showtime's Queerest Folk won for Best Drama and Will and Grace won for Best Comedy. So better luck next year to the zero other nominees.
Michael Skakel, a nephew of Robert Kennedy, was formally arraigned Wednesday in the 1975 murder of Martha Moxley. Reached for comment, the 40-year-old Kennedy cousin said, “I didn’t want to be involved in a sex-and-death scandal, but it was my turn.”
Before the Grammys this week, Madonna defended controversial rapper Eminem saying that she finds the things President Bush says much more offensive. The president immediately responded, “Yo, bitch, I’m a kill you and put you in the trunk of my car.”
As part of February sweeps, ABC announced that “Good Morning America” will air a live broadcast of a baby being born. Not to be outdone, “Fox Morning News” will show a baby being conceived.
During a ceremony at a Holocaust Memorial in Jerusalem this week, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder accidentally extinguished the memorial’s eternal flame. The embarrassed chancellor immediately apologized, telling Jewish leaders, “Mein bad.”
As ballots continue to be counted, election officials in New Mexico now give George W. Bush a small lead in that state. Bush said he was surprised to be in the lead there since he spent so much time as Governor trying to keep New Mexicans from entering the country in the first place.
On Thursday, Hillary Clinton arrived in Vietnam where she was greeted by adoring crowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared her candidacy for mayor of Hanoi.
The 25 members of Iraq’s Governing Council signed a landmark interim constitution Monday. Officials say it’s the first constitution in history to end with the words, “Here Goes Nothing!”
DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death.
On his trip to India last week, Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls’ college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of ‘Frigid Pear-Shaped Harpy University.’
In women’s health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson’s penis.
Michael Jackson went to capitol hill Tuesday, but the congressional black caucus refused to meet with him. Instead, Jackson was able to meet with the wax tranny caucus.
Radio Flyer Incorporated, the maker of the little red wagon, is closing their Chicago plant, and outsourcing their production to China. On the plus side, the wagons will be made for kids, by kids.
President Clinton visited Vietnam this week and, to balance things out, John McCain got high and made out with some British college girls.
During an interview this week, Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friends with Michael Jackson, saying, “I think we understand each other in a way that most people can’t understand either of us.” He then added, “Basically, we both still wish I was nine.”
Jessica Simpson admitted that she recently took a pregnancy test. The results were inconcousive. [ Photo of Simpson putting the pregnancy test in her mouth ]
A federal judge has ruled that gay high school students in Lubbock, Texas, can be barred from meeting on campus. As a result, the gay students will have to meet where they always do: in the Drama Club.
Kathy Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist in an upcoming episode of “Just Shoot Me”. Kathy Lee said “Just Shoot Me” is her husband Frank’s favorite show and that he wanders around the house all the time just muttering the title over and over again.
A month into his tenure as Attorney General, John Ashcroft has begun to reach out to African-Americans and gays. Which is why Ashcroft is now subscribing to “Black Inches” magazine.
As part of his ongoing financial disclosure, Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun Times this week that he doesn’t have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get those, you need a JOB!
According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state except Minnesota. So, ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, Land of 10,000 Lakes.
Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s brother Roger was arrested this week for drunk driving in California and then was thrown out of a restaurant after threatening the doorman. Despite all this, Roger Clinton is still the least embarrassing member of the family.
Massachusetts governor Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday night to twin girls, making her the first governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas.
The LA district attorney’s office said Monday that Robert Downey, Jr. will not go to jail for his drug arrest last month. But to save time, they went ahead and sentenced him for his drug arrest next month.
A new restaurant in Australia is opening called Lewinsky’s, inspired by former White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Eat there once, pay for it the rest of your life.
After a poor showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman ended his presidential bid Tuesday night, explaining, “Feh!” It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side, his campaign was long, quiet, and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday. Lieberman said he has no immediate plans for his political future and instead will return to his regular job, playing the dad on “ALF.”
This January, Kevin Costner will be honored by the Palm Springs International Film Festival for his contribution to film. This gives Costner just two months to make a contribution to film.
Starting Martch 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly, because the Irish are known for their easy-going tempers and their respect for authority.
A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence middle School in New Jersey, is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to your baby.
According to researchers, sex benefits the heart, burns calories, reduces depression, boosts immunity, and releases pain-reducing endorphins. But most importantly, it makes boys like you.
According to friends of Billy Joel, the piano man’s new 25 year old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexis. If Freud were alive today and was asked to comment on this, I’m sure he’d say, “I’m the father of modern psycho-analysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st Century, and your asking me about Billy Joel’s girlfriend?”
The February issue of Playboy Magazine features a nude pictorial of Allison Eastwood, daughter of actor Clint Eastwood. Early word on the pictures? Dirty... Hairy...
In India, a man had his penis reattached after the angry husband of his lover chopped it off with a sword, and then put it in his pocket. After it happened, the man said to his attacker, “Is that my penis in your pocket, or are you just not happy to see me?”
According to newly released documents, tobacco companies gave free cigarettes to celebrities such as Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis, to try to influence the public to smoke. In their defense, tobacco company executives said, “No, no, no. We were just trying to kill Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis.”
It was announced this week that Elton John and Eminem will perform a duet at this month's Grammy Awards. When asked if he felt conflicted about working with the obviously gay performer, Elton John said, "I don't have a problem with it."
Citing the high cost of the series and low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has canceled "Baywatch". Now viewers who love big fake boobs will just have to watch "VIP", "Jerry Springer", "Jenny Jones", "Search Party", "Extra", "MTV Spring Break", "MTV Making the Video", "Wild on E!", "Howard Stern", "Silk Stalkings", "G-String Divas", "The Man Show", "Unhappily Ever After", "Blind Date", Bowflex Infomercials, "Cleopatra 2525", the XFL, the NFL, "Sabado Gigante", "Temptation Island", "Charmed", wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime, or commercials.
It was announced Monday that Kelly Ripa will be Kathy Lee Gifford's permanent replacement on Regis Philbin's morning talk show. Producers say the two women are very different; Kelly Ripa is a long-time soap opera actress and Kathie Lee is a hateful bitch.
97-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond - who was hospitalized last week after fainting in a restaurant - is reportedly back on his feet, and was even seen out and about with his new lady friend. [ show doctored photo of Thurmond with Anna Nicole Smith ]
Despite adding an extra hour this week, the Today Show was unable to beat its competition, Live With Regis. Regis executive producer Michael Gelman explained, "Even though Katie Lee has left the show, we still benefit from her deal with Satan."
In a Time magazine article, Barbara Bush was quoted as saying, "I was the mother of a President for thirty minutes. I loved it." This came as new information to many who thought she was the mother of a President for four years. [Photo of Barbara and husband George Bush]
Hillary Clinton will receive eight million dollars from Simon and Schuster to write her memoirs. Mrs. Clinton has said she'll use the money from the book to "pay off all the legal bills incurred by my husband's five hummers." The book is tentatively titled "Why I Throw Things."
The California district attorney who brought child molestation charges against Michael Jackson in 1993 said the case can be reopened at any time. Prosecutors are still confident that they can convict Jackson, since the child described his assailant as "a noseless white woman."
According to friends, Darryl Strawberry's disappearance from rehab last week was in part prompted by thoughts of opening day at Yankee Stadium. Said one friend, "Darryl misses the roar of the crowd, the smell of the grass, the crack.."
Strawberry's flight from his rehab clinic violated the terms of his house arrest, which means Strawberry now faces jail time and the very real possibility of becoming Ally Mcbeal's new love interest.
Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin records for $25 million an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company, although Virgin Records will now have to change its name to Skank Records.
At a South Dakota school this week, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school past with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him.
Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James van der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, van der Beek said, "They were FILMING that?"
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