John Petrie’s Collection of

Movie, TV, and Song Lines

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New! Click on the following links to view only quotes from these sources!
Simpsons          Star Trek          Family Guy          South Park          Saturday Night Live          Songs


It can be argued that a human is ultimately the sum of his experiences.
-Benjamin Sisko, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Emissary”

What the hell is a jiggawatt?!
-Marty McFly, Back to the Future

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn’t brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
-The Simpsons, “Faith Off”

In this galaxy there’s a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all that, and perhaps more...only one of each of us.
-Dr. McCoy, Star Trek, “Balance of Terror”

It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.
-Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own

Excuse me… Excuse me. I’d just like to ask a question… What does God need with a starship?
-James Kirk, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Everybody remember where we parked.
-James Kirk, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, after landing the cloaked Klingon bird of prey in Golden Gate Park

Spock: Ahh, Mr. Scott, I understand you’re having difficulty with the warp drive. How much time do you require for repair?
Scotty: There’s nothing wrong with the bloody thing!
Spock: Mr. Scott, if we return to space dock, the assassins will surely find a way to dispose of their incriminating footwear, and we will never see the captain, or Dr. McCoy, alive again.
Scotty: Could take weeks, sir!
-Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Homer: Hello… My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uhh, what’s your first name?
Homer: I don’t know…
-The Simpsons, “Blood Feud”

I can’t take his money. I can’t print my own money. I have to work for money. Why don’t I just lie down and DIE?
-Homer Simpson, “Half Decent Proposal”

Bobby (drummer): I can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound.
Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys, I put my pants on just like the rest of you, one leg at a time. Except once my pants are on, I make gold records.
-SNL

Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing?
Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby, just say it.
Frenkle: I'm standing here staring at rock legend Bruce Dickinson.
Dickinson: I'm the cock of the walk, baby!
Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell! Dickinson: Say it, baby!
Frenkle: And Bobby, you are right, I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.
Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby.
Frenkle: And I'd be doing myself a disservice, and every member of this band, if I didn't perform the hell out of this!
Dickinson: Guess what! I got a FEVER! And the only prescription...is MORE COWBELL!
-SNL (Yes, and there was no such person as Gene Frenkle or Bruce Dickinson.)

Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you or would you like to break some more furniture?
-Deanna Troi, to Worf, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Birthright”

Scully: Have you thought seriously about dying?
Mulder: Yeah, once, when I was at the Ice Capades
-The X-Files, “Detour”

To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”

Pff, English. Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
-Homer Simpson, “The Way We Was”

Damn it, Smithers, this isn’t rocket science; it’s brain surgery!
-Mr. Burns, “Treehouse of Horror II”

Marge, you’re my wife, I love you very much, but you’re living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
-Homer Simpson, “Blood Feud”

Unshrink you?! Well, that would require some sort of a re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous, it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, hmm-hey—ahh, but not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and vengeance and the blood reign and the hey, hey, hey, it hurts me.
-John Frink-like scientist in the world Lisa creates, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

Oh, boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!
-Ralph Wiggum, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

Now, look, boy. If your da goes ga-ga, you just use that…shin of yours to call me, and I’ll come a-runnin’. But don’t be readin’ my mind between 4 and 5. That’s Willie’s time!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Treehouse of Horror V” (easily the best Halloween episode)

The bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe.
-Dr. McCoy, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Kirk, making the Vulcan salute: How many fingers do I have up?
Dr. McCoy: That’s not very damn funny.
-Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Todd: Is he killing that guitar, daddy?
Ned: Yes, son…
-The Simpsons, “Faith Off”

Trent Steel: You like Thai?
Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?
-The Simpsons, “Homer to the Max”

There’s no crying in baseball!
-Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own

Do, the stuff that buys me beer
Re, the guy who sells me beer
Mi, the guy who drinks the beer
Fa, a long way to get beer
So I think I’ll have a beer
La, la la la la la beer
Ti, no thanks, I’ll have a beer
Do, which brings us back to beer!
-Homer Simpson (?)

—————————————————————————
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I’d rather be rich than stupid.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it's made up of two separate words—“mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus' flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas.

—————————————————————————

Hold on to 16 as long as you can
Changes come around real soon, make us women and men
-John Cougar Mellencamp, “Jack and Diane”

Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution
Rock and roll ain’t gonna die
Rock and roll ain’t no pollution
Rock and roll is just rock and roll.
-AC/DC, “Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution”

If you look at your reflection in the bottom of a well,
what you see is only on the surface.
If you try to see the meaning hidden underneath,
the measure of the depth can be deceiving.
The bottom has a rocky reputation…
You can feel it in the distance, the deeper down you stare
From up above it’s hard to see, but you know it when you’re there.
On the bottom words are shallow,
on the surface talk is cheap,
and you can only judge the distance by the company you keep.
-Joe Walsh, “The Confessor”

Why do we give up our hearts to the past?
And why must we grow up so fast?
-Joe Walsh, “Pretty Maids All in a Row” (Eagles)

Quark: It’s good to want things.
Odo: Even things you can’t have?
Quark: Especially things you can’t have.
-Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “The Passenger”

How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life.
-James Kirk, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Picard: What we leave behind is as important as how we’ve lived. After all, Number One, we’re only mortal.
Riker: Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.
-Star Trek: Generations

Human bonding rituals often involve a great deal of talking, and dancing, and crying.
-Worf to Data, on weddings, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Data’s Day”

I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I’ll let you know.
-Captain Picard to Data, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “In Theory”

Please, Captain, not in front of the Klingons.
-Spock to Kirk, as Kirk is about to hug him, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Nobody snuggles with Max Power. You strap yourself in and feel the G’s!
-Homer Simpson, “Homer to the Max”

It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.
-Captain Picard to Data, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Peak Performance”

Is OK lose to opponent. Must not lose to fear.
-Mr. Miyagi, Karate Kid part III

If you’re looking to get silly, you better go back to from where you came
because the cops don’t need you and, man, they expect the same.
-Bob Dylan, “Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues”

Don’t blame me; I voted for Kodos.
-Homer Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the Moon.
-Roger Waters, “Brain Damage”

I think Bart’s stupid again, Mom.
-Lisa Simpson, “Bart the Genius” (that’s my mom’s favorite Simpsons quote)

Okay, that does it! Now, listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe”

David Marcus: You knew enough to tell Saavik that how we face death is at least as important as how we face life.
Kirk: Just words…
David Marcus: But good words. That’s where ideas begin.
-Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Well, I’ve always had a deep respect and I mean that most sincerely
The band is just fantastic, that is really what I think
Oh, by the way, which one’s Pink?
-Roger Waters, “Have a Cigar”

I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic’s
His hair was perfect.
-Warren Zevon, “Werewolves of London”

Out on the road today, I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said don’t look back, you can never look back…
-Don Henley, “The Boys of Summer”

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... What cures cancer?...
-Chief Clancy Wiggum, “Bart the Murderer”

Marge: Well, Lisa is now a horse and Bart is dead.
Homer: Well, me saying sorry isn’t going to fix things.
Marge: The gypsy said it would!
Homer: She’s not the boss of me.
-The Simpsons

Oh, “meltdown”. It’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an “unrequested fission surplus”.
-Mr. Burns

I like my species the way it is.
-Worf, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “The Best of Both Worlds”

Bart: How would I go about creating a half man–half monkey type creature?
Ms. Krabappel: I’m sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God, schmod, I want my monkey-man!
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Friend Falls in Love”

Lisa: I think it’s ironic that Dad saved the day while a thinner man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it’s ironic that for once Dad’s butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga—
Marge: Bart!
-The Simpsons, “King-Size Homer”

Welcome Candy Convention, Room I; Candy-Shaped Rat Poison Convention, Room II.
-sign on the marquee of a convention hall, The Simpsons, “Homer Badman”

Two, four, six, eight, Homer Simpson’s crime was great!
Great meaning large or immense; we used it in the pejorative sense!
-stupid feminist picketers, “Homer Badman”

Professor Frink/Professor Frink/He’ll make you laugh/He’ll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the…person… Oh, that monkey’s going to pay…
-John Frink, “The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink” theme song, “22 Short Films About Springfield” (my favorite episode)

Marge: Careful of the apple pie on the seat.
Grandpa: Uh-ohh…
Marge: Grandpa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so.
-The Simpsons, “Burns, Baby Burns”

Board chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant…
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin!
Board chairman: …misuse of cadavers…
Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I use the carpool lane!
-The Simpsons, “22 Short Films About Springfield”

A test score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms, 300, a new dormitory. In your son’s case, we would require an international airport.
-Yale admissions guy, The Simpsons, “Burns, Baby Burns”

Chief Wiggum: Did you trace the phone number?
Lou: Sure did, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: 555… aww, it’s gotta be phony.
-The Simpsons, “Burns, Baby Burns”

Jackie: Why do you even care?
Eric: Because you’re breaking up the band, Yoko!
-That 70’s Show, on Jackie starting to go out with Hyde

Homer: We’re going out, Marge! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!
Marge: Okay!…
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”

Lisa: But it can’t be an angel!
Moe: Oh, yeah? If you’re so sure what it ain’t, how about telling us what it am?
-The Simpsons

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.
-Homer Simpson

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.
-Ralph Wiggum, “Grade School Confidential”

Oh, my God! Space aliens! Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
-Homer Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

Hey, there’s a balloon machine in our bathroom!
-Bart Simpson

Would it really be worth living in a world without television? I think the survivors would envy the dead.
-Krusty the Clown, “Sideshow Bob’s Last Gleaming”

Honey, I’d love to reassure you, but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot.
-Marge Simpson

Wait a minute—this sounds like rock and/or roll.
-Reverend Tim Lovejoy, “Bart Sells His Soul”

No, that’s German for “The Bart, The.”
-Sideshow Bob, “Cape Feare”

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I’m the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What’d you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
-The Simpsons, “Cape Feare”

I’m sorry that you feel that way
The only thing there is to say:
Every silver lining’s got a touch of grey.
-Robert Hunter, “Touch of Grey”

Exeter: It’ll be a peaceful relocation, of course.
Crow: After the genocide…
-Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (the movie is This Island Earth)

Lisa, get in here... In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
-Homer Simpson

We tried to get Larry Flynt, but nobody wanted to build a ramp.
-Jeffrey Ross, on the privilege of roasting pornographic-publishing pioneer Hugh Hefner

Lisa: “Nuke the whales”? You don’t really believe that, do you?
Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke somp’m.
Lisa: Touché.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Date With Density”

God Welcomes His Victims.
-marquee at Springfield Community Church, The Simpsons, “Hurricane Neddy”

Next up’s a real lowlife. Bob Dylan wrote a song to keep him in prison.
-Waterville State Penitentiary warden/rodeo announcer, at the prison rodeo, The Simpsons

Oh… Well, lots of people shoot Apu. It’s just a $100 fine now.
-Marge Simpson

Marge: Ooooh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time…
-The Simpsons, “Homer and Apu”, on Apu’s Indian food

Enlightened Kwik-E-Mart CEO: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That’s great because all I need is one.
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
CEO: Yes
Homer: Really?
CEO: Yes
Homer: You?
CEO: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer and Apu”

If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
-Homer Simpson, “Homer and Apu”

This whole raid is as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there… Wait a minute—there’s a lemon behind that rock!
-Bart Simpson, “Lemon of Troy”

Once a week, every week.
-slogan on the newspaper machine that dispenses the Shelbyville Daily

Bonjourrrrrrrr, ya cheese-eatin’ surrender monkeys!
-Groundskeeper Willie, teaching French, “’Round Springfield”

What I’m saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
-Homer Simpson, “’Round Springfield”

All these people that you mention,
yes, I know them, they’re quite lame.
I had to rearrange their faces
and give them all another name.
-Bob Dylan, “Desolation Row”

The deficit is like some crazy aunt living down in the basement: everyone knows she’s there, but no one wants to talk about her. Now, if you don’t deal with her, she’s just going to get ornerier and stinkier. I say take the bitch upstairs, slap her around, and hose her down.
-Dana Carvey as Ross Perot, Saturday Night Live

Apu: I always thought karma was baloney, but now I know it’s not.
Homer: Mmmm, caramel baloney…
-The Simpsons

Homer: Awww, twenty dollars… I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
-The Simpsons, “Boy-Scoutz N the Hood”

I like pizza
I like bagels
I like hot dogs with mustard and beer.
I’ll eat eggplant,
I could even eat a baby deer
La la la la la la la laaaa…
Who’s that baby deer on the lawn there?...
-Homer Simpson, “Guess Who’s Coming to Criticize Dinner”

Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it’s lost all meaning.
-The Simpsons, “She of Little Faith”

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day.
-Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s First Word”

I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... man!
-Rainier Wolfcastle, “Children of a Lesser Clod”

I can’t believe “smell ya later” replaced “goodbye.”
-Bart Simpson, “Bart To the Future”

Hey… How do you think she’s doin’?
-Joey Tribiani

Oh, relax kids. I’ve got a gut feeling Uter’s around here somewhere. After all, isn’t there a little Uter in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he’s in our stomachs right now! Wait, scratch that one.
-Principal Skinner, “Treehouse of Horror V”

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals... Except the weasel.
-Homer Simpson, “Boy-Scoutz N the Hood”

Ralph: I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids!—Oh! I bent my Wookie…
Lisa: Hey, Ralph, wanna play anagrams with us?
Allison: We take the names of famous people and rearrange the letters to spell a description of that person.
Ralph: My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Rival”

Assistant: Mayor, there’s an angry mob to see you.
Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Assistant: Uhhh… yes, it does.
Skinner (from the back): I phoned ahead!
-The Simpsons, “Much Apu About Nothing”

Grandpa Simpson’s father: See this, boy? This is where we’re going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday…
Grandpa: Later that day, we set sail for America.
-The Simpsons, “Much Apu About Nothing”

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That’s because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!
-The Simpsons

Behold... the rarest of the rare: the mythological two-headed hound...born with only...one head!
-Chief Wiggum, “Lisa’s Wedding”

The legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit and...the BODY of a rabbit!
-Chief Wiggum, “Lisa’s Wedding”

Smithers: Oh, Mr. Burns, we’ll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for... seventeen stab wounds in the back. How are we doing, boys?
Professor Frink: Well, we’re up to fifteen!
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”

You know that little ball you put on your antenna so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car!
-Homers Simpson, “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?”

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
-Rainier Wolfcastle as Radioactive Man, “Radioactive Man”

Mr. Burns: By cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter’s work out of those low-lives.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Mr. Burns: Hmmm… Perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone’s slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror V”

We are the mediocre presidents
You won’t find our faces on dollars or on cents!
There’s Taylor, there’s Tyler, there’s Fillmore, and there’s Hayes
There’s William Henry Harrison—“I died in thirty days!”
We are the adequate, forgettable,
occasionally regrettable
caretaker presidents of the U…S…A!
-The Simpsons, “I Love Lisa”

—————————————————————————
Great song and album titles

You Bought It, You Name It by Joe Walsh (my favorite)

“The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful” by Jimmy Buffett

“I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better”

“Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ’Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye”

“I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You”

“If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You”

“I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well”

“Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)”

“My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him”

“You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”

“I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here”

“If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me”

“She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles”

“She’s Looking Better After Every Beer”

“I Haven’t Gone to Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With Some”

“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

“We Are the People Our Parents Warned Us About” by Jimmy Buffett

So What by Joe Walsh

There Goes the Neighborhood by Joe Walsh

The Smoker You Drink, the Player You Get by Barnstorm

...But Seriously, Folks by Joe Walsh

Look What I Did! by Joe Walsh

“I Don’t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling”

“All I Want From You (Is Away)”

“If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?”
[Note: An Australian girl named Rai informed me that this actually “is an ‘Aussie’ Rock/Pop song, Not ‘Country.’” So there you go, Rai—you got on my site and the info was corrected.]

(All those country songs (except the last one which isn’t country) without attribution I got from StrangeCosmos.com)

—————————————————————————

I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was, and now what I’m with isn’t it. And what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.
-Abraham Simpson, “Homerpalooza”

Teen 1: Oh, great, here comes the cannon ball guy. He’s cool.
Teen 2: Are you bein’ sarcastic, dude?
Teen 1: I don’t even know anymore...
-The Simpsons, “Homerpalooza”

Lisa: Friends?... My only friends are grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”

Teen 1: So he goes like...
Erin: Pssh. I can totally hear him going that.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”

Homer: Hmm... Somebody’s traveling light.
Lisa: Meh, maybe you’re getting stronger.
Homer: Well... I have been eating more.
-The Simpsons, “Summer of 4 ft. 2”

Captain Tenille: Ahh, Simpson, you’re like the son I never had.
Homer: And you’re like the father I never visit.
-The Simpsons, “Simpson Tide”

Space coyote: Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Homer: Where? Where?
Space coyote: This is just your memory. I can’t give you any new information.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”

Bart: Hey, look, is that Dad?
Lisa: Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.
-The Simpsons, “El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jómer”

Krusty Home Pregnancy Test
Warning: May cause birth defects.
-The Simpsons, “I Love Lisa”

Bart: I want to go with you, Dad.
Homer: Don’t you have school?
Bart: Don’t you have work?
Homer: Ah, touché.
-The Simpsons, “Maximum Homerdrive”

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
-Principal Skinner, “Duffless”

Homer: Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he’s eluded Leonard Nimoy and Peter Graves!
Mr. Burns: Hmph. Peter Graves couldn’t find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.
-The Simpsons, “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love”

All this yelling is taking away my horny.
-Russian model in Moe’s bar, “Homer the Moe”

Homer: Waitaminit waitaminit wait a minute... Lisa honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops!?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, maaagical animal.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.
-Marge Simpson

Charlie: Tell ’im, Ray.
Raymond: K-Mart sucks.
-Rain Man

I dropped down and I called out to heaven, “Send me someone to love!”
Heaven shot back: “You get the love that you allow.”
And everything is different now.
-Don Henley, “Everything is Different Now”

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian woman named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.
-Dr. Evil, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

The moon base will be divided into two units: Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
-Dr. Evil, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
silhouetted by the sea,
circled by the circus sands,
with all memory and fate
driven deep beneath the waves.
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.
-Bob Dylan, “Mr. Tambourine Man”

Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat anything you want, any time you want!
Marge: And you’ll lose weight?
Dr. Nick: Uhh, you might! It’s a free country!
-The Simpsons,

Look, Big Daddy, it’s regular Daddy!
-Ralph Wiggum, “The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase”

Cartman, you’re such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street, people go, “Goddammit! That’s a big, fat ass!”
-Kyle Broflofski

Sheriff of Rottingham: That’s him! The old man is Loxley!
King John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.
-Mel Brooks, Robin Hood: Men in Tights

This is a very complex set of variables to coordinate, Doctor.
-Data, to Dr. Crusher, on dancing, “Data’s Day”

Cadet Larsen: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
-The Simpsons, “The Secret War of Lisa Simpson”

Marge: Don’t let it get you down. So Mr. Burns doesn’t take you seriously. Big woop. Who gives a doodle? Whoopie ding-dong doo.
Homer: Thanks for trying, but I’ll be at Moe’s.
Marge: So my husband goes to a bar every night. Whoop dee doo. Who gives a bibble? Gabba-gabba hey.
-The Simpsons, “C.E.D’oh!”

Now a few more details about this year’s company picnic. It’s at the plant, no food will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is canceled.
-Mr. Burns, “C.E.D’oh!”

Homer: Look, kids! I just got my party invitations back from the printers!
Lisa (reading): “Come to Homer’s B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B.”
Bart: What’s that extra B for?
Homer: That’s a typo.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die.
-Peter Griffin, “Viewer Mail #1”

Day 171: I’ve sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, I’m up to 11.
-Baby Stewie, Family Guy, “Chitty Chitty Death Bang”

I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!
-Stewie Griffin

This is so weird! It’s like something out of Dickens...or “Melrose Place”.
-Lisa Simpson, “Mother Simpson”, upon meeting Homer’s mother

Skinner: Ahh, head-lice inspection day. While the kids are out getting their nits picked, we can have our own private cootie call.
Ms. Krabappel: Oh, you talk to much. Let’s do it on Martin’s desk.
Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. Dignity”

So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my head. It was like a whole different kind of cheating!
-Bart Simpson, “Homer vs. Dignity”

Dear McGyver: Enclosed is a paper clip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, "Brian: Portrait of a Dog"

Donna: I don’t know, it was more like...neither of us was good.
Jackie: Donna, it’s not up to the woman to be good.
-That '70s Show, on Eric and Donna having sex for the first time

You know, I rather like this God fellow. He’s very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there... Omnipotence... Got to get me some of that.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas”

Lisa: Hi, Mr. Flanders, I see you’re reading the paper.
Flanders: Everything but the opinions page. I don’t need to be told what to think...by anyone living.
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”

Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the universe, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every 7 years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much, much more.
Groundskeeper Willie: You cannot do that, sir. You don’t have the power!
-The Simpsons, “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”

Kirk: Is he dead, Bones?
McCoy: For God sakes, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a—oh, right.
-Saturday Night Live

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign... Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign... Thy will be done.
-Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”

I don’t know.. how or where you get them, but I believe there are robots for this.
-Jim Dangle, Reno 911, on what to do if a mysterious suitcase is left alone in a public area. You had to see it.

-Hey, Phil, what do you say to happy hour after work?
-I say Sheryl’s gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbors!
-Family Guy, "Let's Go To the Hop"

Stan: You know, somebody once said, “Don’t try to be a great man, just be a man.”
Jesus: Who said that?
Stan: You did, Jesus.
Jesus: You’re right, Stan. Thank you, boys!
Kyle: Wow, did he say that in the Bible?
Stan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
-South Park, “Damien”, during the boxing match between Jesus and Satan

And she said, “We must get together.”
But I knew it’d never be arranged
Then she handed me twenty dollars for a two-fifty fare
She said, “Harry, keep the change.”
Well, another man might have been angry,
and another man might have been hurt,
but another man never would have let her go.
I stashed the bill in my shirt.
-Harry Chapin, “Taxi”

Marge: I’m not gonna live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars!
Homer: Don’t be so stubborn!
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror I”

Jackie, get your car, we’re going on a freakin’ date.
-Steven Hyde, That '70s Show

Principal Skinner, wait! I created the universe! Give me the gift certificate!
-Lisa Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror VII”

Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?
Homer: Me!? I'm going to drink a lot of beer and stay out aaaall night!
-The Simpsons, “The Way We Was”

Lisa: Dad, do you know what schadenfreude is?
Homer: No, I do not know what schadenfreude is, please tell me because I am dying to know...
-The Simpsons, “When Flanders Failed”

I used to think Marge was too good for me. She was always trying to change me. But then, part of her died, and so she stopped trying.
-Homer Simpson, “A Star is Born-Again”

Chief Wiggum: Sarah, you’re as lovely as the day I first arrested you.
Sarah: Oh, Clancy!
Chief: You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy...
-The Simpsons, “A Star is Born-Again”

Attention, workers: we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order:
Simpson, Homer.
That is all.
-Horst, “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”

Lisa: I feel like I’m gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We’re all going to die, Lise.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I...
-The Simpsons, “Kamp Krusty”

First you didn’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back—make up your mind!
-Homer Simpson, “Lisa’s Pony”

Hypnotist: You are all very good players.
Team: We are all very good players.
Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville!
Team: We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent!
Team: That’s impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
-The Simpsons, “Homer At the Bat”

Just think—with that lottery money, we could buy history books that know how the Korean War came out, math books without that base-6 crap, and a state-of-the-art detention hall where the children are held in place with magnets.
-Principal Skinner, “Dog of Death”

No, you got the wrong number, this is 9-1-...2.
-Chief Wiggum, “Dog of Death”, when someone calls the police station during the lottery drawing

Marge, I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically...we become a family of traveling acrobats.
-Homer Simpson, “Dog of Death”

Homer: He might have all the money in the world, but there’s one thing he can’t buy.
Marge: What’s that?
Homer: .....A dinosaur.
-The Simpsons, “Dog of Death”

Kelso: Wait a minute... You want to get married?!
Jackie: [gasp] Yes, Michael, I accept!
-That '70s Show

Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven’t had a single fire.
-The Simpsons, “Bart’s Dog Gets an F”

Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is “How To Increase Your Word Power.” That thing is really, really, really... good.
-Homer Simpson, “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington”, to the Reader’s Digest lady

Question 60: I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.
-Miss Hoover, “Separate Vocations”, reading the class the career-preference test

Kid: What’s an ambush?
Kitty: ... It’s a pretty bush with yellow flowers!
-That '70s Show, after Red as the mall Santa told a kid “what really happened in Vietnam”

Stan: Dude, we don’t have any talent.
Cartman: That didn’t stop any of the other boy bands, damn it!
-South Park, "Fingerbang (Something You Do With Your Finger)"

I warned ya! Didn’t I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
-Groundskeeper Willie, “Lisa the Vegetarian”

Bart: Hey, how about one of those religions where you eat a human heart?
Lisa: No.
Bart: How about Methodist?
Lisa: NOOO!
...
Bart: Hey, how about Judaism? When you turn 13, cha-ching!
-The Simpsons, “She of Little Faith”

Bart: Memo to self: Lock door.
Lisa: All right, I’ll go, you don’t have to be a jerk about it.
Bart: Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.
-The Simpsons, “Brother’s Little Helper”

Dr. Hibbert: Although you do seem to have swallowed a number of shark eggs.
Homer: Actually, that was before I went in the ocean.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, I don’t want to pry into your personal life...
Homer: Then don’t.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”

Homer: Hey, I thought you never talked.
Teller: Uh, I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. Oh, God, now Penn’s going to beat me.
Penn: Folks, it’s all part of the act!
Teller: No it isn’t! Don’t leave me alone with him!
Penn: You’ve ruined the act! I’m going to kill you!
Teller: He’ll do it! I’m not the first Teller.
-The Simpsons, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”

There is no escape from the Fortress of the Mo-o-ollles!... Oh, except that.
-Hans Moleman, “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”

See that ship over there? They’re re-broadcasting Major League Baseball with implied oral consent, not express written consent—or so the legend goes.
-Homer Simpson

Lisa: But my parents are counting on seeing me dance! And I’ve worked ever so hard.
Vicki: I’m sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they’re clearly not equal is called what, again, class?
Class: Communism!
Vicki: That’s right. And I didn’t tap all those Morse-code messages to the Allies till my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds.
-The Simpsons, “Last Tap Dance In Springfield”

You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.
-Marge Simpson, “Lisa’s Wedding”

Lisa: Wow, now that I’ve seen this, isn’t there any way to avoid it?
Fortune teller: No, but try to look surprised.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa’s Wedding”

Lisa: Wait a minute, Xena can’t fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I’m not Xena.
-The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror X”

Homer: Marge, we’re going out! If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!
Marge: Okay!...
-The Simpsons, “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment”

Oh, nothing’s going to happen in this scene—it’s just two ladies.
-Fez, famous last words

—————————————————————————
Weekend Update quotes

Dennis Miller:

The U.S. census was declared a failure by Democrats this week after only sixty-five percent of all households chose to respond to the questionnaire. But what’s the point of a census if they already have a complete list of all U.S. residents to mail the census to?

Beleagured Judge Robert Bork, in an effort to win some public sympathy, deliberately fell into an abandoned well in his back yard, trapping himself thirty feet underground. So far, no effort has been made to rescue him.

On Wall Street yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial plummetted more than 100 points, prompting New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Piniella.

While Wall Street suffered a down week, condom stocks continued to rise. I often hear people nowadays whine about the fact they have to wear condoms when they make love. This seems to me to be a rather minor argument. I’ll tell you how I approach it. I wear two in my everyday life. When I go to make love, I take one off, I feel like a wild man! Sort of like swinging two bats in the on-deck circle.

You know, this week an Iranian ship fired machine gun rounds at an “NBC Nightly News” helicopter, just missing the news crew. A spokesman for the Iranian government apologized later in the day saying, “Hey, we’re sorry! We thought it was the ‘Today Show’ helicopter!”

You know, today marks the birthday of Ludwig van Beethoven, the noted eighteenth century composer who inspired the hit song, “Roll Over, Beethoven.”

This is this week’s cover of TV Guide and, you know, I find it easier to believe in the concept of a sixteen-year-old surgeon than I do to believe in a sixteen year old kid who hasn’t asked his parents to stop calling him “Doogie.”

In the news this week: President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up and admitted that the only reason he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him in the next four years. “This guy is a walking, breathing bullet-proof vest,” said Bush.

East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoon for a quickie but it didn’t work and they once again agreed to see other countries.

Yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Since our Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have been nine hundred and thirty-five “Friday the thirteenths.” Which is only fourteen less than the number of Friday the 13th movie sequels.

And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is the premiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt for Red October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated as a submarine]

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set box office records again this week. The movie brought in one point five million dollars in L.A., two point three million dollars in New York, and an astonishing seventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.

President Bush reported that he shed ten pounds in the last three weeks, and hopes to lose another 165 pounds by November 1992. [Photo of Bush with Quayle]

President Reagan will ask Congress to establish cash awards for inventions, and the first $10,000 award will go to Admiral John Poindexter for that Iran story he came up with.

Here’s an update on that Amtrak accident this week: Amtrak officials this time are blaming a disgruntled employee who evidently painted the opening of a tunnel on the side of a mountain. The accused switchman, one William M. Coyote, is still missing.

Three weeks ago, Pepsi-Cola bought 7-Up and, this week, Coca-Cola bought Dr. Pepper. And this morning, in the smartest move of the year, the distant third-ranking soft drink, Royal Crown, bought the entire water supply of North America.

Roman Catholic bishops this week said that Pope John Paul II will use TransWorld Airlines for his U.S. visit in September. When you hit your knees tonight, I would ask all of you to pray that the person sitting behind the Pope has already seen the movie.

You know, Snow White turned 50 this week. When asked if this was a happy time in her life, she said, “Oh, yeah, my life’s been great. I’ve been stuck in a house for the last thirty years with seven midgets, not one of whom is named Horny.”

Judge Anythony Kennedy took his place on the Supreme Court bench on Thursday. After the administration of the oath, the judges retired to a private party in their chambers, where Kennedy learned the secret handshake, chugged a pint of sloe gin, and made the traditional run around the Lincoln Memorial wearing nothing but his robe and a brassiere.

Yesterday, Fawn Hall was accused of sneaking classified documents out of the White House by hiding them in her underwear. However, Fawn is in the clear, since Oliver North was wearing her underwear at the time.

After 67 shutout innings, Dodgers pitcher Orel Hershiser finally surrendered a run this week to the New York Mets. Hershiser was getting very close to the all-time record of not getting scored on, set by Brooke Shields from the age of 16 to.. well, what time is it, huh?

And the fifth grossing film in America this week is “Young Guns”, the new film where everybody in it is Martin Sheen’s son, but nobody has the same last name. There’s a tight nuclear family, huh?

The U.S. Embassy in Kuwait has overcome a water shortage by digging a well in the embassy’s backyard and striking water. When jubilant relatives of embassy staffers in the United States were apprised of this they cheered, and a kinfolk issued a carefully worded statement in which they said “They ought to move away from there. Califonia’s the place they ought to be.” The last word we have is that the Embassy staffers loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly. Swimming pools. Movie stars. The Professor and Mary Anne.

Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos started campaigning for the January 17th election this week. So far his chances are excellent, considering he’s the only candidate. However, even that position seemed threatened yesterday, when he named Geraldine Ferraro as his running-mate.

The New York State Board of Regents this week voted to let high school girls play on teams with boys in contact sports. However, the girls must first be examined by a special Fitness Panel. So far, the biggest reaction is from the boys, who have given up sports and are now trying out for the Fitness Panel.

The U.S. and Soviet Union have agreed on a new treaty banning the proliferation of chemical weapons. The treaty is pending final agreement, on exactly where in New Jersey the weapons will be disposed of.

A nasal spray that stops bed-wetting was approved this week by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA has also approved plans for a catheter that will cure allergies.

Kevin Nealon:

In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women’s condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass.

This human interest item: According to a new compatibility study of married couples, only 25% of husbands kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. However, 99% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Anti-violence advocates contend that violence on TV is directly linked to the rise of violence in society, and officials are doing nothing about it. They even pointed out that some cartoons such as the Road Runner are violent, resulting in a proposed bill calling for a mandatory 5-day waiting period before the purchase of an anvil, or any ACME product, including TNT detonators and strap-on rockets.

Well, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that both Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding will go on to the Olympics in Norway next month. However, in light of the recent events, Harding will be sent immediately to the penalty box for high-sticking.

And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner for naming his nightspot “Club Madonna.” The club owner has filed a countersuit claiming “Club Madonna” is not the name of his club but simply a suggestion.

A statistic in USA Today revealed that one out of every three smokers try to quit smoking each year. The other two quit breathing.

Norm MacDonald:

Blimpie has started supplying subs for Delta Airlines to serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta is giving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in its restaurants.

[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while 78 percent blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 percent because the math was done by a woman. ... [crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman, so...now you don’t know what the hell to do, do ya?... No, I’m just kidding, we don’t hire women.

Was O.J. Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? “Absolutely not,” said Defense Attorney Johnny Cochran today, “and a simple test of any of O.J.’s blood found at the crime scene will prove it.”

A frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton. Her plane, en route to the former Soviet Union, was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunctions. The president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of what went wrong with “Operation: Frayed Wire.”

According to a recent study published in New Choices magazine, the more household chores a husband does, the more likely his wife is to report having good sex. The article explains that when a man does a substantial amount of housework, it gives his wife some time to go out and find a real man to have sex with.

And finally, in Burien, Washington, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pled guilty this week to having sex with a sixth-grade student whose child she bore in May. Miss LeTourneau has been branded as a “sex offender” or, as the kids refer to her, “The Greatest Teacher Ever.”

This week, after months of speculation, sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres finally admitted that, yes, she’s gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand deaths a year. In second place? O.J. Simpson at two deaths a year.

This week, Disney released a new CD featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single “Cat Killer.”

And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000th performance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It also marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, “What the hell is this?”

And, finally, John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be an adult film star. He has been signed to play himself in “The John Wayne Bobbitt Story.” The part of his severed penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore.

Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the United States because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was also rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic that she’ll get the OK to compete for The Republic of White-trash-istan.

Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’s first female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airman and then lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor called her, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commanding officer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.” Meanwhile, President Clinton called her.

In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for one of the area’s leading political figures, attended by the city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled.

Under a new law passed by the State Assembly, effective next year, Michigan will set aside an allotment of hunting licenses for blind people. This after years of relentless lobbying by deer.

Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a task force to determine whether federal campaign finance laws were violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both. Another task force will attempt to determine whether Attorney General Reno is a man, a woman, or both.

On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbia on its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttle will feature the first space walk ever by a Japanese astronaut who will get to take in the unique perspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder if there’s any chance he’ll, uh, take a picture?

Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her X and Y chromosomes.

There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week when the parents of the teenage babysitter with whom he had a five year affair decided not to pursue criminal charges. However, a lawyer for the babysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick, pathetic individual,” while the County District Attorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradle robber.” The only kind words came from his uncle, Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “an inspiration.”

At their annual convention this week, board members of the National Rifle Association narrowly elected actor Charlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gun lobby. According to Heston, his first priority will be a push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirty apes”!

On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tied Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine two hundred million positions per second, in the fourth game of their six game series. Earlier in the week, Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder in game two when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense that soon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, after Deep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantage with his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr. Kasparov...what the hell were you thinking?!

Late this week, President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss the sensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part, Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is right for Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying he must do what is right for China.

In other entertainment news, a religious group in Chile is trying to ban a new Claudia Schiffer film which features explicit lesbian sex scenes. According to the group, sex between two women is an abomination before God, almost as blasphemous as sex between a woman and David Copperfield.

In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafia turncoat Sammy “The Bull” Gravano revealed that John Gotti once considered trying to buy a presidential pardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano, however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involved with, quote, “those kinds of people.” [Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton]

According to O.J. Simpson’s niece Terry Baker, when O.J.’s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about the slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, “He did it!” Reached for comment, O.J. said, “My mom was just guessing, I hadn’t even told her yet.”

This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s entry into major league baseball, there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice in sports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shocking move today, all but one of the one hundred and twenty-five playing members of the Professional Golf Association have signed a petition to ban African-American golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]

Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mail carrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his job and now faces up to five years in jail for keeping two magazines which had been sent to a nonexistent address. Postal officials admit that they could have let him off with just a warning but then he wouldn’t come back some day and shoot thirty people... So...they decided to be a little strict...

Jonathan Schmitz, the “Jenny Jones” guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his fear and hatred of homosexuality, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. Well, I guess that plan backfired!

In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: women can’t drive.

The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack.

In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakingly showed 5 minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network during an episode of “The Flintstones.” Experts say children who saw the episode called it “the best ‘Flintstones’ ever!”

Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, “It’s over.”

Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Julia Roberts, and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.

Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to be opened—and it appears Simpson may already have won ten million dollars.

Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.

In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn’t commit suicide only because, “My mother told me you don’t go to heaven if you kill yourself.” Oddly, his mother did say, “It’s okay to kill other people.”

In an act of conciliation, China released eight political prisoners this week. But they made it clear that the other seventy-nine million would be executed without a trial...

Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jury which had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars in punitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared “This is far from over”. Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said, “I’m going to kill more people. What did you think I meant?”

Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire sentenced to death for killing a rooster, won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially off the hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the rooster in the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..

The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday, making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-Mart. Fellow Irish performer Sinead O’Connor was also on hand, but she works there.

In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to develop male sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno. [Photo of Janet Reno]

Our top story tonight: a shocking new development in the O.J. Simpson case. Late this afternoon, a high-ranking official in the Los Angeles Police Department admitted to Geraldo Rivera that the police did conspire to frame O.J. Simpson for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. However, they called the conspiracy off when they got to the murder scene, and found that O.J. really did do it.

Well, earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on “Larry King Live”. Among them, that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.

Our top story tonight: In Los Angeles this week, Lyle and Eric Mendendez were found guilty of first-degree murder. So, to review California law: killing your wife: legal; killing your parents: illegal.

In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.

Also in entertainment, the play “Hiroshima,” a tribute to the victims of the first atomic bomb, with music and singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City this week. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack who attended the premiere called the play, quote, “the most horrifying experience of my life”!

Well, Bart, the eighteen-hundred-pound bear who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie “The Edge,” reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the grizzly’s income goes toward the preservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine!

And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg’s will open Cereal City, a new, eighteen-million-dollar theme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket, pushes Record, and speaks into it] Note to self: start buying up land next to cereal theme park, then open Milk theme park...and watch the money roll in!...

It was revealed this week that defense lawyer Johnny Cochrane once abused his first wife. In his defense, Cochrane said, “Hey, at least I didn't kill her like some people I know.”

In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The first O.J. trial.

At the box office, last week's No. 1 movie, 'The First Wives Club,' was knocked out of the top spot by the new film, “The Hotter, Younger, 2nd Wives Club.”

While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote, “You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of the presidency, to your gender and to this nation!” and then added, “And I'm still voting for you.”

During a recent interview on "20/20," longtime O.J. Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty. Though he did add that had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time, he would never have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife.

An independent study released this week confirms that President Clinton has appointed more minorities to high-level government posts than any other president. For purposes of the study, women were counted as minorities and Attorney General Janet Reno was counted as a woman.

Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. And, the week before, he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas: an attempt to kill 3 people at once.

In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack.

In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed.

Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, O.J. Simpson demanded and got $500 in compensation. In addition, the restaurant must now offer separate murderer and non-murderer sections.

According to new medical studies, exposure to secondhand smoke dramatically increases a nonsmoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco company executives say the study proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that nonsmoking can kill you.

Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TV station in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be on TV with his case still pending, Ito said, “Maybe not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?”

Researchers have developed a so called 'red wine pill' which gives all of the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah! It's called a grape!

Roseanne was married on Valentine's Day, and, gee, you know, as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on on the face of the planet.

New medical research shows that man and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days when men had to go out and hunt for food, while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onasis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well, to give you some idea, at the party, they had two cakes.

F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense only knew what Ron Goldman's last words where, they might be able to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me, Goldman's last words where probably, ah, “Hey, you're O.J. Simpson!”

Oh, no! O.J. has struck again! How 'bout that? [Picture of a headline that says, 'Fifth O.J. juror axed']

A recent study shows the number of sexually active teenagers is leveling off at 53%. And another study shows the number of teenagers who tell their friends that they're sexually active is holding steady at 100%.

And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that O.J. Simpson did not appear angry before, or after, the period of his wife's murder. But Kaelin admitted he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering her. Might have been... ah...

And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advises that men spend two months' salary on an engagement ring. Well, the American Housing Company suggests you spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent. Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommends you spend all your salary...on crack.

O.J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week, attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, O.J. pointed out, quote, “Hey they’re still alive, aren't they?!!”

At a press conference this week, FAA officials studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800, announced that they have pinpointed the cause: a frayed wire leading from the jet's fuel tank. According to the investigators, the wire became frayed when it was struck by a missile. That'll fray a wire...

Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspended last week for attacking and choking his coach, has hired attorney Johnny Cochran to represent him. At a press conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client did not choke his coach, and even offered a reward to help find the real chokers.

Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that actor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Francisco socialite Denise Hale. An observer who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life. (Norm's last joke on Weekend Update)

I was watching House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt on C-SPAN, where he appeared to discuss the pros and cons of the line-item veto with Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, and they went on to have a spirited debate on subjects ranging from immigration reform to the balanced-budget amendment. It might have seemed to be a dry half-hour of political discourse to many viewers, but I found it most enjoyable. It should be noted, however, that I was receiving oral sex from a crack whore at the time.

Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes.

In economic news, unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAQ. The reason for the sudden downturn? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.

According to the EPA, it will cost an estimated $295 million to clean up toxic waste at the former Lockheed Martin Military Air Craft Plant in California. The cause of the toxic waste? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.

In Princess Anne, Maryland, state health officials have discovered what caused the mysterious death of 200,000 fish at a Somerset county fish farm. The culprit? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.

Entertainment Weekly's list of the 101 World's Most Powerful People in Show Business is out. At number one, Fox CEO Rupert Murdoch. In second place? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.

And, finally, the votes are in and Entertainment Weekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who is the Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it—Frank Stallone!... Congratulations, Frank Stallone!

Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probe orbiting Jupiter’s moon Europa suggest that it meets the conditions necessary to support a primitive life form. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it—Frank Stallone.

And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The human being? You guessed it—Frank Stallone. [Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]

And finally, the #1-selling doll this Christmas is Tickle-Me Elmo. And the least-popular-selling doll? You guessed it—Tickle-Me Frank Stallone.

Helmut Kohl was elected to his fourth term as Germany’s chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kohl’s success was guaranteed after he won the backing of singing sensation David Hasselhoff... Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany where his series “Baywatch” celebrated its 100th straight week as the nation’s top TV show. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest appearance on the hit show “Baywatch.” Now, my research has uncovered that Fergie is actually British, not German, which, while not proving, certainly does nothing to disprove my time-tested theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicate that David Hasselhoff is a major recording star in that country, where his concerts routinely sell out and his albums turn platinum. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

The cast of “Baywatch” made a special appearance at Disney World in Florida where they were mobbed by adoring fans. Which proves my new theory: German tourists love David Hasselhoff!

Interview with David Hasselhoff:

Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news, one of the world’s biggest stars just completed a whirlwind three-week world tour. Tonight he’s agreed to come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!

David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you very much! [laughs at all the applause] My recent world tour was an incredible experience. I went to twenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I’ve got some amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance, I was invited to the state dinner at the Emperor’s Palace. What I didn’t know was the emp—

Norm MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a second. Did you just say Japan?

Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.

MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, you know, but I don’t think anybody cares about Japan. Why don’t you, ah, why don’t you focus on the countries where you’re, you know, you’re popular?

Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had an incredible experience. The entire cast of “Baywatch” was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds of thousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison, “Baywatch, Ba—”

MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait. Chinese people?

Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.

MacDonald: Look, why don’t we skip China? In fact, rule out all of Asia.

Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean, what do you want to hear about? I mean, I’ve got some great stories from all over the world.

MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, you know, ah, some place where you’re especially popular, you know, like in, uh, Europe.

Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy—

MacDonald: Northern Europe, Northern Europe!

Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay. I got you. There’s one country that they absolutely love me: Norway.

MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?! They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damn about Norway! What the hell’s wrong with you?

Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what’s going on here? I’ve never seen you like this.

MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you the truth, you know, I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the—how do the Germans feel about ya?

Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, we actually didn’t stop in Germany—

MacDonald: I don’t care about your stupid trip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize—in one sentence—the way Germans feel about you.

Hasselhoff: Well, I’ve always been fortunate to get a very positive response from the Germans—

MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time for false modesty! We’re runnin’ late, we gotta wrap this thing up! Do Germans love you?

Hasselhoff: Well, “love” is an awfully strong word...

MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen, David, uh... Let’s say a guy had a theory, all right?

Hasselhoff: All right.

MacDonald: A theory that he’s devoted several years of his life to. And let’s say he has a lot of evidence to back up this theory of his.

Hasselhoff: All right.

MacDonald: [puts a large pile of documents, file folders, etc., on desk—Hasselhoff is stunned] Now, don’t you think it would just be common courtesy to help that guy out, you know, and not—not ruin his life?

Hasselhoff: Listen, I don’t know what you want me to say here, pal.

MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I’ll write it down. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one, scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives it to David] Here! Say this!

Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper] “Germans love me.”
[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beaming MacDonald who addresses the camera.]

MacDonald: Which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers and applause.] And that’s the news! See you next time. Thank you, David.

Colin Quinn:

Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was “his role model,” to which Clinton responded, “I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.”

Citing fundraising difficulties, Elizabeth Dole officially ended her bid for the Presidency on Wednesday. Quoting Teddy Roosevelt, Dole said, “It is far better to dare mighty things than to live in the gray twilight that knows not victory or defeat.” And then she quit. I don’t think she really understands what Roosevelt was trying to say... After her announcement, Bob Dole turned to his wife and remarked, “I knew Teddy Roosevelt, I worked with Teddy Roosevelt...and you are no Teddy Roosevelt.”

This week General Electric announced a recall of 3.1 million dishwashers. After hearing that there are over three million dishwashers in the United States, Pat Buchanan called once again for stricter immigration laws.

The New York chapter of the Ku Klux Klan held a rally in downtown Manhattan earlier today after a judge ruled this week that the city could not bar the march. New Yorkers responded to the ruling as expected: Within minutes of the judge’s decision, sidewalk vendors were out selling counterfeit white hoods.

Following a military coup in Pakistan Tuesday, the global community is now faced with an increasingly unstable relationship between two nuclear powers: Pakistan and its neighbor India. In the event of a nuclear conflict, experts envision a destroyed infrastructure, political chaos, and millions starving. In other words, nuclear war could set those countries back months.

The Supreme Court ruled this week that sexual assault victims cannot sue their alleged assailants in federal court without going through the state court. And before they do that, they must first appeal their cases to the NFL commissioner’s office.

South Carolina lawmakers voted Thursday to lower the flagpole for the state’s Confederate flag from 30 to 25 feet in an attempt to appease black opponents of the flag. Lawmakers insist, however, that the pole can’t go below 25 feet since, quote, “Then one of them will just jump up and pull it down.”

On the same day that South Carolina legislators finally agreed to remove the Confederate flag from the State House, the assembly also voted to establish a holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., becoming the last state in the union to do so. The date of the King holiday has officially been set for June 32nd.

Protestors this week formed a human chain around the U.S. Capitol to demand that wealthy countries cancel billions of dollars in debt so that the world’s most impoverished peoples can put the money toward more pressing needs in their own countries. Like building more luxury palaces for their oppressors.

Jimmy Fallon:

This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word “Evolution” when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called “Jesus Horses.”

Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday. But, she feels like a 25-year-old inside.

Ground was broken in Fredericksburg, Virginia, this week for the National Slavery Museum. For the punchline of this joke, tune in next week when we have a different host. (Al Sharpton was hosting! Ha! That’s brilliant!)

Two high schools in Portland, Oregon, have banned pacifiers over concerns over the drug Ecstasy. Though perhaps a more effective measure would be to ban Ecstasy.

Portland Brewing Company has released a new beer called “Governator,” which they say is a tribute to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in no way qualified to be in a beer.

An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this is similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, “Close, but no cigar.”

A researcher in Seattle has developed a mathematical formula to predict the outcome of any marriage. And here it is: X... plus Jennifer Lopez... equals zero.

An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes after allegations surfaced that he fathered a child with a woman in a Chicago crack house four years ago. Advantage: Snipes. Your move, Bobby Brown.

Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James Van Der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, Van Der Beek said, “They were filming that?”

A study by the World Wildlife Fund reveals that bottled water is not any safer or healthier than tap water, just more expensive...an announcement that has triggered residents of Beverly Hills to go out and buy thousands of bottles of tap water.

Carol Dennis, a former backup singer for Bob Dylan, said this week that from 1986 to 1992, she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan, however, insists that the marriage was not a secret, it’s just that whenever he told people about it they couldn’t understand a word he said.

Chinese President Jiang Zemin meanwhile continues to insist that the United States take responsibility for the crash, stating, quote, “Americans have to learn that not every accident is the Chinese driver’s fault.”

A new line of T-shirts for women has been introduced based on “Sex and the City” that feature the words “I’m a Carrie, “I’m a Miranda,” “I’m a Charlotte” and “I’m a Samantha.” Women who purchase all four get a free fifth shirt: “I’m a Moron.”

Cereal maker General Mills is opening its own amusement park this week with attractions like the Lucky Charms Magical Forest, the Wheaties Hall of Champions, and the Fiber One restrooms.

It’s being reported that Tipper Gore is considering a run for the Senate seat once held by her husband Al Gore. Initial polls already have her winning by a landslide, because nobody wants to see Tipper lose and grow a beard.

New York police are already preparing for Monday's Braves–Mets game, which marks the return of controversial Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker. Police are particularly nervous because this Monday at Shea Stadium is Homo Day.

Pope John Paul II appealed to Vice-President Dick Cheney to spare Timothy McVeigh's life. Reportedly, the Pope asked Cheney, "Is President Bush going ahead with the execution?" to which Cheney replied, "Are you Catholic?"

Researchers have found that bottle-nosed dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out vampire dolphins. Scientists believe that the dolphins' ability to use a mirror gives them a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera. [Photo of a very tacky-looking Christina Aguilera]

New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. That’s encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Fabergé eggs.

At the twelfth Annual Glaad Media Awards for positive portrayal of gays and lesbians, Showtime's "Queer As Folk" won for Best Drama and "Will and Grace" won for Best Comedy. So better luck next year to the zero other nominees.

Interview with Paris Hilton:

Tina Fey: Paris Hilton is a name that's on everyone's lips these days. Here now in an exclusive interview with Jimmy Fallon is Paris Hilton.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for coming on.
Paris Hilton: Nice to be here.
JF: So, we agreed, we won't be discussing the scandal that's been in the papers the past couple weeks.
PH: I appreciate that.
JF: We want to find about you, Paris Hilton. Your family...the Hiltons own hotels all around the world.
PH: Yes, in New York, London, Paris.
JF: Wait, there actually is a Paris Hilton?
PH: Yes, there is.
JF: Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton?
PH: Actually, it's a very exclusive hotel, no matter what you've heard.
JF: I hear the Paris Hilton is very beautiful.
PH: I'm glad that you've heard that.
JF: I've heard that it's picture-perfect. Could I take pictures of the Paris Hilton?
PH: Not anymore.
JF: Is there double occupancy at the Paris Hilton?
PH: No.
JF: Is the Paris Hilton very roomy?
PH: It might be for you. But most people find it very comfortable.
JF: I'm a VIP, I might need to go through the back entrance.
PH: Doesn't matter who you are—it's not going to happen.
JF: Fair enough, okay. I throw a lot of events. Do they have ballrooms there?
PH: We do.
JF: Great, I'd love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton. Sounds awesome. I'd like to check into the Paris Hilton.
PH: I don't think you can.
JF: Really? I'd only be able to stay there like a minute and a half...two minutes, tops.
PH: Good luck.
JF: Paris Hilton!

Tina Fey:

Michael Skakel, a nephew of Robert Kennedy, was formally arraigned Wednesday in the 1975 murder of Martha Moxley. Reached for comment, the 40-year-old Kennedy cousin said, “I didn’t want to be involved in a sex-and-death scandal, but it was my turn.”

Before the Grammys this week, Madonna defended controversial rapper Eminem saying that she finds the things President Bush says much more offensive. The president immediately responded, “Yo, bitch, I’m a kill you and put you in the trunk of my car.”

As part of February sweeps, ABC announced that “Good Morning America” will air a live broadcast of a baby being born. Not to be outdone, “Fox Morning News” will show a baby being conceived.

During a ceremony at a Holocaust Memorial in Jerusalem this week, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder accidentally extinguished the memorial’s eternal flame. The embarrassed chancellor immediately apologized, telling Jewish leaders, “Mein bad.”

As ballots continue to be counted, election officials in New Mexico now give George W. Bush a small lead in that state. Bush said he was surprised to be in the lead there since he spent so much time as governor trying to keep New Mexicans from entering the country in the first place.

On Thursday, Hillary Clinton arrived in Vietnam where she was greeted by adoring crowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared her candidacy for mayor of Hanoi.

The 25 members of Iraq’s Governing Council signed a landmark interim constitution Monday. Officials say it’s the first constitution in history to end with the words, “Here Goes Nothing!”

DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson, accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death.

On his trip to India last week, Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls’ college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of ‘Frigid Pear-Shaped Harpy University.’

In women’s health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen...just like Michael Jackson’s penis.

Michael Jackson went to capitol hill Tuesday, but the congressional black caucus refused to meet with him. Instead, Jackson was able to meet with the wax tranny caucus.

Radio Flyer Incorporated, the maker of the little red wagon, is closing their Chicago plant, and outsourcing their production to China. On the plus side, the wagons will be made for kids, by kids.

President Clinton visited Vietnam this week and, to balance things out, John McCain got high and made out with some British college girls.

During an interview this week, Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friends with Michael Jackson, saying, “I think we understand each other in a way that most people can’t understand either of us.” He then added, “Basically, we both still wish I was nine.”

Jessica Simpson admitted that she recently took a pregnancy test. The results were inconcousive. [ Doctored photo of Simpson putting the pregnancy test in her mouth ]

A federal judge has ruled that gay high school students in Lubbock, Texas, can be barred from meeting on campus. As a result, the gay students will have to meet where they always do: in the Drama Club.

Kathy Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist in an upcoming episode of “Just Shoot Me”. Kathy Lee said “Just Shoot Me” is her husband Frank’s favorite show and that he wanders around the house all the time just muttering the title over and over again.

A month into his tenure as Attorney General, John Ashcroft has begun to reach out to African-Americans and gays. Which is why Ashcroft is now subscribing to “Black Inches” magazine.

As part of his ongoing financial disclosure, Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun Times this week that he doesn’t have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get those, you need a JOB!

According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state except Minnesota. So, ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, Land of 10,000 Lakes.

Meanwhile, Bill Clinton’s brother Roger was arrested this week for drunk driving in California and then was thrown out of a restaurant after threatening the doorman. Despite all this, Roger Clinton is still the least embarrassing member of the family.

Massachusetts governor Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday night to twin girls, making her the first governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas.

The LA district attorney’s office said Monday that Robert Downey, Jr. will not go to jail for his drug arrest last month. But to save time, they went ahead and sentenced him for his drug arrest next month.

A new restaurant in Australia is opening called Lewinsky’s, inspired by former White House intern Monica Lewinsky: Eat there once, pay for it the rest of your life.

After a poor showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman ended his presidential bid Tuesday night, explaining, “Feh!” It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side, his campaign was long, quiet, and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday. Lieberman said he has no immediate plans for his political future and instead will return to his regular job, playing the dad on “ALF.”

This January, Kevin Costner will be honored by the Palm Springs International Film Festival for his contribution to film. This gives Costner just two months to make a contribution to film.

Starting Martch 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly, because the Irish are known for their easy-going tempers and their respect for authority.

A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence Middle School in New Jersey is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to your baby.

According to researchers, sex benefits the heart, burns calories, reduces depression, boosts immunity, and releases pain-reducing endorphins. But, most importantly, it makes boys like you.

According to friends of Billy Joel, the piano man’s new 25-year-old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexis. If Freud were alive today and was asked to comment on this, I’m sure he’d say, “I’m the father of modern psycho-analysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st Century, and your asking me about Billy Joel’s girlfriend?”

The February issue of Playboy Magazine features a nude pictorial of Allison Eastwood, daughter of actor Clint Eastwood. Early word on the pictures? Dirty... Hairy...

In India, a man had his penis reattached after the angry husband of his lover chopped it off with a sword, and then put it in his pocket. After it happened, the man said to his attacker, “Is that my penis in your pocket, or are you just not happy to see me?”

According to newly released documents, tobacco companies gave free cigarettes to celebrities such as Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis, to try to influence the public to smoke. In their defense, tobacco company executives said, “No, no, no. We were just trying to kill Shelley Winters and Jerry Lewis.”

It was announced this week that Elton John and Eminem will perform a duet at this month's Grammy Awards. When asked if he felt conflicted about working with the obviously gay performer, Elton John said, "I don't have a problem with it."

Citing the high cost of the series and low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has canceled "Baywatch". Now viewers who love big fake boobs will just have to watch "VIP", "Jerry Springer", "Jenny Jones", "Search Party", "Extra", "MTV Spring Break", "MTV Making the Video", "Wild on E!", "Howard Stern", "Silk Stalkings", "G-String Divas", "The Man Show", "Unhappily Ever After", "Blind Date", Bowflex infomercials, "Cleopatra 2525", the XFL, the NFL, "Sabado Gigante", "Temptation Island", "Charmed", wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime, or commercials.

It was announced Monday that Kelly Ripa will be Kathy Lee Gifford's permanent replacement on Regis Philbin's morning talk show. Producers say the two women are very different; Kelly Ripa is a long-time soap opera actress and Kathy Lee is a hateful bitch.

97-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond, who was hospitalized last week after fainting in a restaurant, is reportedly back on his feet, and was even seen out and about with his new lady friend. [ Doctored photo of Thurmond with Anna Nicole Smith ]

Despite adding an extra hour this week, the Today Show was unable to beat its competition, Live With Regis. Regis executive producer Michael Gelman explained, "Even though Kathy Lee has left the show, we still benefit from her deal with Satan."

In a Time magazine article, Barbara Bush was quoted as saying, "I was the mother of a President for thirty minutes. I loved it." This came as new information to many who thought she was the mother of a president for four years. [Photo of Barbara and husband George Bush]

Hillary Clinton will receive eight million dollars from Simon and Schuster to write her memoirs. Mrs. Clinton has said she'll use the money from the book to "pay off all the legal bills incurred by my husband's five hummers." The book is tentatively titled "Why I Throw Things."

The California district attorney who brought child molestation charges against Michael Jackson in 1993 said the case can be reopened at any time. Prosecutors are still confident that they can convict Jackson, since the child described his assailant as "a noseless white woman."

According to friends, Darryl Strawberry's disappearance from rehab last week was in part prompted by thoughts of opening day at Yankee Stadium. Said one friend, "Darryl misses the roar of the crowd, the smell of the grass, the crack.." Strawberry's flight from his rehab clinic violated the terms of his house arrest, which means Strawberry now faces jail time and the very real possibility of becoming Ally McBeal's new love interest.

Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin records for $25 million an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company, although Virgin Records will now have to change its name to Skank Records.

At a South Dakota school this week, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school passed with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him.

—————————————————————————
You don’t understand how men work. We don’t give each other gifts. We pretty much ignore each other ’til somebody scores a touchdown.
-Red Forman, That '70s Show

There’s a time for everyone
if they’d only learn
that the twisting kaleidoscope
moves us all in turn.
There’s a rhyme and reason
to the wild outdoors
when the heart of this star-crossed voyager
beats in time with yours...
-Tim Rice, “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”

If heaven ain’t a lot like Dixie, I don’t want to go
If heaven ain’t a lot like Dixie, I’d just as soon stay home
If they don’t have a Grand Ole Opry like they do in Tennessee,
just send me to hell or New York City, it would be about the same to me.
-Hank Williams, Jr., “If Heaven Ain’t a Lot Like Dixie”

I’ve been searching for the daughter of the devil himself,
I’ve been searching for an angel in white
I’ve been waiting for a woman who’s a little of both,
and I can feel her, but she’s nowhere in sight.
-Don Henley, Glenn Frey, “One of These Nights”

Jane Fonda to teens: use head to prevent pregnancy
-headline seen on The Tonight Show

You know, I’ve had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
-Homer Simpson, “Poppa’s Got a Brand-New Badge”

Half the people can be part right all of the time
and some of the people can be all right part of the time
but all of the people can’t be all right all of the time.
I think Abraham Lincoln said that.
I’ll let you be in my dream if I can be in yours—
I said that.
-Bob Dylan, “Talkin’ World War III Blues”

It’ll get you drunk! You’ll be fuckin’ fat girls in no time! You might even fight a nigga or two! Mmmmm-mmmm, bitch!
-Dave Chappelle, the Samuel Jackson beer “slogan,” I guess

The whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time.
-Homer Simpson, “Bart’s Comet”

Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millenia ago. They were...more trouble than they were worth.
-Worf, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Homefront” (And no, I don’t know why it is one millennia...)

House of Evil clerk: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: That’s bad.
Clerk: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Clerk: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad.
Clerk: But it comes with your choice of free toppings!
Homer: That’s good!
Clerk: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Several seconds of silence...] That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
-The Simpsons, "

Homer: Mmmmmm... Sixty-four slices of American cheese. Sixty-four [chews]... Sixty-three [chews]... [cut to much later] Two [chewing slowly]... One...
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I’m blind...
-The Simpsons, “Rosebud”

Homer: Oh! Look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!...... Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duuhh.
-The Simpsons, “Flaming Moe’s”

No, Lisa, the only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him “Gamblor,” and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
-Homer Simpson, “$pringfield”

Joe’s Crematorium, you kill ’em, we grill ’em.
-Bart Simpson, answering the phone, "Stark Raving Dad"

Lionel Hutz: Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog...
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly”, and the word “dog” with “son”.
-The Simpsons

Money is money, but women...are better.
-Nog (a Ferengi), Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Life Support”

Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer’s brain: What does that mean? Better say something or they’ll think you’re stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer’s brain: Swish!

Flanders: Homer, God didn’t set your house on fire.
Rev. Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian [camera pans to Flanders], Jew [Krusty], or...miscellaneous [Apu].
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Lovejoy: Aw, that’s super.
-The Simpsons, “Homer the Heretic”

Homer: Is that Lisa? Oooo, I gotta call heaven. There’s an angel missing!
Bart: And who’s your little school friend? Wait a minute... That’s Mom!
Marge: I know two fellas who will get a special dinner tonight!
[Bart and Homer high-five]
Bart: Dad, do you know anything else about women?
Homer: Nope, that’s it.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Beauty Queen”

Chief Wiggum: That’s nice work with the bag-zooka, Lou.
Lou: Gotta love what you do, Chief.
-The Simpsons, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”

I’m a level-5 vegan. I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.
-Jesse Grass, “Lisa the Tree Hugger”

Take my Worf, please.
-Data, trying to imitate comedians, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “The Outrageous Okona”

If you don’t mind, I’d like to borrow your bodies for a few hours.
-Jadzia Dax, on performing her zhian’tara, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Facets”

Fate: protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise.
-Commander Riker, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Contagion”

Your soul is like an appendix: I don’t even use it!
-Michael Kelso, That '70s Show

Oh, honey, Canadians don’t matter.
-Kitty Forman, to Eric, That '70s Show

Kirk: Spock, where the hell’s the power you promised?
Spock: One damn minute, Admiral.
-Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Picard: Come back! Make a difference!
Kirk: I take it the odds are against us and the situation’s grim.
Picard: You could say that.
Kirk: If Spock were here, he’d say that I was an irrational, illlogical human being for going on a mission like this... Sounds like fun!
-Star Trek: Generations

Rumors of my assimilation are greatly exaggerated.
-Captain Picard, Star Trek: First Contact

Assimilate this!
-Worf, Star Trek: First Contact

Believing oneself to be perfect is often the sign of a delusional mind.
-Data, to Borg Queen, Star Trek: First Contact

Data: She [the Borg Queen] brought me closer to humanity than I ever thought possible. And for a time, I was tempted by her offer.
Picard: How long a time?
Data: Zero point six-eight seconds, sir... For an android, that is nearly an eternity.
-Star Trek: First Contact

How can he be Asian? Santa doesn’t drive his sleigh twenty miles an hour under the speed limit with his blinker on!
-Indian kid in Stewie’s adoptive family, Family Guy, “Love Thy Trophy”

All I have to worry about are the Klingons, the Dominion, and the Maquis. I feel like I’m on vacation.
-Benjamin Sisko, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Accession”

“See Brok acquire. Acquire, Brok, acquire!”
-Quark, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, “Accession”, on the children’s books he used to read Nog

I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord, I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave
that I would love you till the end of time
I swore I would love you till the end of time!

So now I’m praying for the end of time
to hurry up and arrive
'cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
but God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!
-Jim Steinman, “Paradise By the Dashboard Light”

Marge: Kids, why don’t you write a complaint letter? That’s how I got the Channel 6 weather girl to start wearing a bra.
Homer: That was you?!
Bart: A letter, huh? Okay Lise—get this down. Dear Randall Curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt. I am fine. Sincerely...
Lisa: I’ll write the letter...
Homer: Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather!
-The Simpsons, on the crappy “Cosmic Wars” movie, “Co-Dependent’s Day”

Kids, while we’re out, the TV’s in charge. Go to bed when it says.
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”

I’m in no condition to drive. Wait, I shouldn’t listen to myself. I’m drunk!
-Homer Simpson, “Co-Dependent’s Day”

The Funland Princess? I haven’t been on that ride yet.
-Steven Hyde, That '70s Show

Why did I take so much punishment? Let’s just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
-Homer Simpson, “Behind the Laughter”

But reckless spending and interracial homoeroticism were just volume one of the Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.
-Jim Forbes, the narrator, “Behind the Laughter”

Big fat guy... He looked like the wind.
-some guy on “I Love the '90s”, on LV in the “Gangsta’s Paradise” video

[Holding up scary, mean-looking KISS dolls] What do you think my sister’s Barbies did when they saw these guys comin’? I’ll tell you what they did: they clapped and screamed and threw their panties at them.
-Hal Sparks, “I Love the '70s”

I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this day!... Well, go on, start ruing!
-Stewie, Family Guy, “Mind Over Murder”

Mr. Garrison: Well, your moms are just upset. They’re probably all on their periods or something.
Gregory: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I’m sorry, Wendy. But I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

I was saving sugar for my wedding night!
-Todd Flanders, “The Fat and the Furriest”

See all that stuff in there, Homer? That’s why your robot never worked.
-Marge Simpson, on an Itchy robot, “Itchy and Scratchy Land”

Lois: Come on, Stewie, you know you can’t leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you’ve got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it’s broccoli, it’s good for you. Now, open up for the airplane...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!
-Family Guy, “I Never Met the Dead Man”

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says, “Oooooo.”
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
-Family Guy, “The Son Also Draws”

Peter: I’ll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t...nothing?
Peter: Oh, yeah...
-Family Guy, “If I’m Dyin’ I’m Lyin’”

There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “Fifteen Minutes of Shame”

Dear diary: Jackpot.
-Glen Quagmire, on seeing a cheerleader tied up in a locker room, Family Guy, "Dammit, Janet"

Chris: Hey, little dude, want some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL you...
-Family Guy, "Chitty Chitty Death Bang"

Counselor: I’d like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show “Big Brother”...except somebody’ll be watching.
-Family Guy, “Fifteen Minutes of Shame”

Lois: Good, I don’t have to cook.
Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we’ll throw it out. I don’t want you to get rusty.
-Family Guy, “From Method to Madness”

Peter: Can’t we tell them that your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I’m not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, all right, I’ll kill your mother.
-Family Guy, “A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas”

Lois: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Maybe it’s because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second... RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
-Family Guy, "Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington"

And Joe, I’ve had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you’re half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can’t even measure.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “Love Thy Trophy”

Quagmire: Hey there, Gorgeous, how old are you?
Connie: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen?
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin’!
-Family Guy, “And the Weiner Is...”

Hey, Mother! I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint: it’s in my diaper, and it’s not a toaster.
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar”

Guns don’t kill people; dangerous minorities do.
-Gun-rights advocate, Family Guy, “And the Weiner Is...”

I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. You’re my silver medal.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “Let’s Go to the Hop”

What’s this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G—... Oh, that’s better than sex!
-Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, “Love Thy Trophy”

Brian: Peter, are you sure? You’ve never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flashback to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter: Okay, okay. How many dirty stinkin’ apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?... Three: One dirty stinkin’ ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin’ apes to throw feces at each other! Hehehehehehe...
-Family Guy, “

Hey, Meg, you eighteen yet?
-Glen Quagmire

Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that’s tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
-Family Guy, "Brian In Love"

Sorry, Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “I Never Met the Dead Man” (Damn straight!)

Peter: What the hell is he talking about?
Englishman: Oh, it’s cricket. Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a fine leg. He endeavors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn’t whipped his bails off, of course.
Peter: Anybody get that?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that “fag” means “cigarette.”
Peter: Well, someone tell this “cigarette” to shut up.
-Family Guy, "One If By Clam, Two If By Sea"

Tonight there’s a new reality show on Fox: “Fast Animals, Slow Children.”
-Peter Griffin

When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah...ow. Oh, now I don’t know math.
-Chris Griffin, Family Guy, “The Kiss Seen ’Round the World”

Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Adam West: How do you know my language?
-Family Guy, “The Story on Page 1”

Police blotter: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?
-Family Guy

Stewie: I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn’t yet cut itself.
Lois: Honey, I’ll be right there.
Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh, and when you do finally get around to it, I’ll be the one covered in flies with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston!
-Family Guy, “Peter, Peter Caviar Eater”

I’m so hungry I could ride a horse. I don’t get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
-Chris Griffin, Family Guy, “Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”

I think the lesson here is, it really doesn’t matter where you’re from, as long as we’re all the same religion.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, “To Live and Die in Dixie”

Chris: Where do you think you go when you die?
Sam: I learned in church that if you’re good you go to heaven, but if you’re bad you go to a place where the dead believe they’re still livin’ and they pray for death but death won’t come.
Chris: UPN?
-Family Guy, “To Live and Die in Dixie”

Marge, can you set the oven to “cold”?
-Homer Simpson, after their refrigerator, being used as an air conditioner, burns out

Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked... Aww, come on, continue... C’mon, awwww... Alright, Lou, open fire.
-Chief Wiggum

I know Weinstein’s parents were upset, Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up, “Yom Kip-pur.”
-Principal Skinner

Marge: This house stinks! You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?
Homer: Do you have a better idea?
-The Simpsons, “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds”

Bart: You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.
[The message is passed by about 10 people...]
Guy: Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher!
-The Simpsons, “The PTA Disbands”

Homer: Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!
Shelby’s Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look!
Homer: Stupider like a FOX!
-The Simpsons, “Lemon of Troy”

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
-Homer Simpson, “Burns’s Heir”

Springfield will have its first annual “Do What You Feel” festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up. It will be a welcome change to our “Do As We Say” festival, started by German settlers in 1946.
-Kent Brockman, “Bart’s Inner Child”

Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
-Homer Simpson, “Homer the Smithers”

Bart: There’s a box you can sleep in. Just move that cot out of the way.
Chester: Okay.
Bart: Do you know what radon is?
Chester: No.
Bart: G’night.
-The Simpsons, “The Day Violence Died”

Mom, there’s a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad’s upstairs.
-Lisa Simpson, “The Day Violence Died”

Charles Bronson–like boy: Hey, ma. How about some cookies?
Charles Bronson–like mom: No dice.
Boy: This ain’t over.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”

Chief Wiggum: You know, it’s kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over.
Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief?
Chief Wiggum: Not really.
-The Simpsons, “The Old Man And The Key”

You know what they say in Texas, Chris: “Bobcat can eat all the chili he wants, doesn’t mean he’s gonna crap diamonds.”
-Molly Ivins (Renée Zellweger) on “Hardball”, SNL

Rachel: Guys, guess what guess what guess what guess what!
Chandler: The fifth dentist caved and now they’re all recommending Trident?
-Friends, “The One With the Poker” (I don’t know if that’s the title, I’m just guessing)

Lucky I’m sane after all I’ve been through
I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
-Joe Walsh, “Life’s Been Good”

Bart: Come on, Chief, it was just a prank! Would some flatware make things right?
Wiggum: Um, what does it say on my badge? “Cash bribes only”! Lets go.
-The Simpsons, “The Wandering Juvie”

Homer: Bart, son, do you want to play catch?
Bart: No.
Homer: Oh, when a boy doesn’t wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong!
Abe: I’ll play catch with you, son!
Homer: Get the hell out!
-The Simpsons

Sam: What'll you have, Normie?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mr. Lucky.
-Cheers

Sam: What's the story, Norm?
Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.
-Cheers

Todd: Are you jealous of brother Homer, Daddy?
Flanders: Eh, maybe just a tad.
Rod: I'm jealous of girls because they get to wear dresses!
-The Simpsons, “’Tis the Fifteenth Season”

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.
-South Park, "The Simpsons Already Did It"

Yes! I am God of the sea people!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, "The Simpsons Already Did It"

Cartman: M-o-o-o-mmm, Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
-South Park, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
Bebe's mom: Oh, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.
-South Park, "Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society"

I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Stan: The note says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.
-South Park, "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"

If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!
-Eric Cartman, South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass. Token: I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.
Cartman: Get as sick as you want, just give me a goddamn bass line!
Token: [Plays the bass expertly] Oh, goddammit.
-South Park, "Christian Rock Hard"

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.
-South Park, "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
-South Park, "Ladder to Heaven"

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?
-South Park

Stan: Jimmy, can you tell Wendy that she's a continous source of inspiration?
Jimmy [to Wendy]: Stan says that your a cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt...
Wendy: Well, tell Stan to FUCK OFF! [walks away]
Jimmy: ...a continuous s-source of inspiration.
-South Park

Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe. That's good. Just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.
-Mr. Garrison, South Park, "Pink Eye"

Kyle: Hey, Mole! Be careful.
Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!
-South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Marge: The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa's Rival"

Meg: So, how do I look in my new glasses?
Stewie: Hmm, how shall I put this?... In an attic somewhere, there's a portrait of you getting prettier.
-Family Guy, "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein"

Cecil: I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.
Sideshow Bob: Well, obviously.
-The Simpsons, "Brother From Another Series"

Oh, pardon me, Santos—if that is your real name, Bart Simpson—but your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants, and split.
-Comic Book Guy, "The Canine Mutiny"

[Reading] "Order by phone. 1-800..." Our phone doesn't go up to 800! Unless...
-Bart Simpson, "The Canine Mutiny"

Remember when he ate my goldfish, and then you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
-Milhouse, on Santa's Little Helper, "The Canine Mutiny"

Willie: Yeah, I bought your little mutt.... And I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'. So I geeve him to the church
Bart: Ohhhh, you hate him so you gave him to the church?
Willie: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug... You heard me!
-The Simpsons, "The Canine Mutiny"

Now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
-Krusty the Clown, "'Tis The Fifteenth Season"

Bum: Well, there are six schools of begging. Bad musician, messed up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zealot, and crazy guy. I think you would do well with crazy guy.
Homer: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! (gibberish)
Bum: Wow, now, that is good crazy!
-The Simpsons, "Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore"

What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them—as is my understanding...
-Bart Simpson

Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
Marge: [voiceover] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind-confusion techniques.
Kang: Look behind you.
[Marge looks, and Kang quickly uses a ray gun to beam something on her.]
Kang: Insemination complete.
Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick.
Kang: What are you implying?
Marge: Nothing, nothing.
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror IX"

Agnes Skinner: Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?
Principal Skinner: No, Mother!
Agnes: You sissy!
-The Simpsons, "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"

English side ruined... Must use French instructions... "Le grill"?! What the hell is that?!
-Homer Simpson, "Mom and Pop Art"

I love comic books. I wish I had thought bubbles.
-Fez

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me—so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson

This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!
-Friar Tuck, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Sometimes lying is okay, like when you know what's good for people more than they do.
-Rob Reiner, South Park, "Butt Out"

Fire can be our friend, whether it's toasting s'mores or raining down on Charlie.
-Principal Skinner, "Brother's Little Helper"

You took my breath away
and now I want it back
Ah, you should've killed me
You always looked so good in black.
-Don Henley, "You Don't Know Me At All"

Good morning, class. A certain agitator—for privacy's sake, lets call her "Lisa S."... No, that's too obvious. Uhh, let's say "L. Simpson"—has raised concerns about certain school policies...
-Principal Skinner, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup.
Marge: Ahh, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunking your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself; you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

Dating is just acting like somebody you're not until the person you're dating likes you enough that you can be yourself again.
-J.D. Dorian, Scrubs (I'm not sure if that's verbatim)

—————————————————————————
“In the Year 2000” from Conan O'Brien

While eating at a restaruant, a New York Yankees player will adminster the Heimlich maneuver to a woman, promtpting the headline, "Choking Victim Saves Choking Victim."

Barely Legal Magazine will suffer a drop in readership when instead of girls who have just turned 18, they begin to feature immigrants whose work visas are about to expire.

Taking a cue from George Foreman, Al Sharpton will develop his own grill that actually shames and bullies the food into getting more brown.

The cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" will change its name from the "Fab Five" back to their original name, 'N Sync.

Women will stop buying tea kettles when kettles stop merely whistling, and start yelling, "Nice ass!"

Michael Moore will become President of the United States with the campaign slogan, "Vote for me or I swear to God, I'll take off my shirt."

After being convicted, Michael Jackson escapes from prison disguised as a black man who likes grownups.

Parents will no longer let their kids watch SpongeBob SquarePants, when it's revealed that SpongeBob once worked as a female contraceptive.

Major League Baseball will finally crack down on steroids; Barry Bonds will again lead the Majors in home runs with 3.

Clay Aiken will clear up all the uncertainty about his sexual preference when he releases his next album, I'm Aiken for Men.

The recording artist once named Pink will be called 'Beige' when people realize that that's the color you get when you mix her name with the crap she records.

Thanks to advances in automation, Nike shoes will be made by robots. Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children in Malaysia.

Ancient scrolls will reveal that Noah originally planned on bringing three of each species on his ark, not to save them from the flood but just to see if any of the animals were into that kind of thing.

Mike Tyson will admit that the reason he went bankrupt was because he bet someone a billion dollars that he could go a day without "going all crazy and shit."

Tony Danza will refuse to play any more characters named 'Tony.' The first role he gets after making this announcement: a bartender named Doug Danza.

Mr. T has a son that he names after himself. To avoid confusion the boy is known as Mr. Lowercase T.

I, Mr. T, will reveal that I do not have a mohawk haircut, I just went bald on both sides of my head.

Conan O'Brien will be pitied not by me as a fool, but by fools as a superfool.

Oral sex will be available in pill form. Unfortunately, it will be a suppository.

Already reeling from the ongoing sex scandal, the Catholic Church will lose millions more followers, when Pope John Paul II appears on his balcony wearing acid-washed jeans.

The expression 'time will tell' will be proven invalid, when time refuses to tell what happened after it walked Debbie home from that party.

Clouds will not simply retain water but also bitch at their boyfriends.

Christina Aguilera will be rushed to the hospital for an emergency operation, but will almost die on the table when doctors realize that no amount of swabbing will make her clean for surgery.

Michael Moore will protest the war in Iraq by going on a hunger strike. No one will notice for the first fifteen years.

When it is discovered that it takes exactly 437 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, it will be announced that science is officially over.

Federal investigators will bust into Barry Bonds' house. Just as the slugger is opening a bottle of steroids. Bonds will evade arrest, however, by tossing the bottle a thousand miles into space.

Even gays will object to gay marriage when James Lipton marries Ice-T simply to become James Lipton Ice-T. (James Lipton was the guest and he said this one)

With the advent of high-definition television, home viewers will see actors with extreme clarity and detail. Thus they will demand the stars of "Sex and the City" change their names to "The Golden Girls."

Players will play, but umpires will strike, leaving baseball games up to the honor system. While cheating rampantly, the Mets will still lose 100 games.

Bandits will attack Queen Elizabeth. To save her life she will have to call on the knights sworn to defend her—Elton John, Mick Jagger, and Paul McCartney.

Pixar will anger many of the fans of their "Toy Story" movies when they release "Toy Story 3: Buzz and Woody's Gay Vacation".

We will finally learn what makes French vanilla ice cream different from regular vanilla ice cream: cowardice.

People will automatically smile for pictures when photographers develop a flash that emits not only a sudden burst of light, but also the sound of Barbra Streisand being mauled by a bear.

President Bush will admit that at the funeral of Pope John Paul II he mistook a nun for the pope's wife, called her Mrs. Paul, and told her how much he loved her frozen fish sticks.

King Kong will confess that he is merely a figurehead. The true power lies with Prime Minister Kong.

The continent of Asia is arrested after it's caught buying beer for Asia Minor.

A charter plane carrying a soccer team will crash in the Andes, and even though there is plenty of food available, the survivors will resort to cannibalism to stay on the Atkins diet.

—————————————————————————

Curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.
-Spock, Star Trek, "Errand Of Mercy"

The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.
-Garak, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney-baloney church. Or synagogue...
-Mr. Burns, "The Old Man and the Lisa"

Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner.
-Gowron, Klingon proverb, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Dr. Roger Corby: Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate?...
Kirk: It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment—the other side of the coin.
-Star Trek, "What are Little Girls Made Of?"

Peter: Holy crap, Brian, what am I going to do? Lois is gonna be home in a couple of days, and we're getting kicked outta the house tomorrow!
Brian: What do you suggest?
Peter: Get out your ring.
Brian: Peter, that's not gonna—
Peter: Come on!
Both together: WonderTwin Powers...activate!
Peter: Form of: Steam!
[pause]
Brian: Peter, we got these in a box of Frankenberry.
-Family Guy

Peter as a child: Why did the dinosaurs die out?
Tour guide: Because you touch yourseft at night.
-Family Guy

We have them just where they want us.
-Captain Kirk

Geordi: Data...I made that joke seven years ago.
Data: I know! I just got it!
-Star Trek: Generations

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es Brian... Nosotros queremos ir con Ustedes.. Uhhhh...
Mexican guy: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just "Me llamo Brian."
Brian: Oh, you speak English.
Mexican: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You...you're kidding me, right?
Mexican: Qué?
-Family Guy, "Road To Rhode Island"

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag p—...Whoa, I almost walked into that one!
-Family Guy

With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably.
-Captain Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Drumhead"

If there's nothing wrong with me...maybe there's something wrong with the universe!
-Beverly Crusher, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Remember Me"

Dr. Crusher: Computer, what is the nature of the universe?
Computer: The universe is a spheroid region, 705 meters in diameter.
-Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Remember Me"

I am NOT a merry man!!!
-Worf, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Q-Pid"

Dr. Crusher: He got turned into a spider and now he has a disease named after him.
Counselor Troi: I'd better clear my calender for the next few weeks...
-on Lt. Barclay, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Genesis"

Peter's voice on tape: Please leave the lights off, Lois. I dont want to be seen.
Lois: I imagined you wouldn't after the way you acted a while ago.
Peter's voice on tape: I thought you might say something like that.
Lois: Anyway, I've convinced Meg to go to the dance.
Peter's voice on tape: Please don't yell, Lois. I've learned my lesson!
Lois: But I wasn't—
Peter's voice on tape: Oh, you would happen to bring that up, Lois. Can't you leave the past where it belongs?
Lois: Peter what's gotten into you—
Peter's voice on tape: Because I've already said it was a scavenger hunt.
Lois: [pulls over bed sheets and sees pillows and tape player] What the...?
Peter's voice on tape: Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone, please flip the tape over to side B.
-Family Guy, "Let's Go To the Hop"

Kirk: Come on. Spock, why didn't you jump in?
Spock: I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words.
McCoy: It's a song, you green-blooded...Vulcan. You sing it. The words aren't important. What's important is that you have a good time singing it.
Spock: Oh, I am sorry, Doctor. Were we having a good time?
McCoy: God, I liked him better before he died.
-Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Spock: This is the new brig, Captain. It is escape-proof.
Kirk: How do you know?
Spock: The designers tested it using the most intelligent and resourceful person they could find. He failed to escape.
Kirk: This person didn't by any chance have pointed ears and an unerring capacity for getting his shipmates into trouble, did he?
Spock: He did have pointed ears.
-Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red.... D'oh! All right, I'll send you a check.
-Homer Simpson

Homer: Yes, son, you can have an electric guitar just like your old man.
Bart: Dad, I'm asking if I can get a job.
Homer: Gig, son. When you're a musician, a job is called a gig.
-The Simpsons

Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life.
-The Simpsons, "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy"

Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
-Homer Simpson, "Team Homer"

Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
-Homer Simpson, "The PTA Disbands"

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
-Homer Simpson, "Bart the Genius"

Homer: What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of "No TV And No Beer Make Homer...something something".
Marge: "Go Crazy"?
Homer: Don't mind if I do! (insane gibberish)
-The Simpsons, "Treehouse of Horror V"

Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
-The Simpsons, "Homer to the Max"

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
-The Simpsons, "Burns's Heir"

I'll do the dishes when I pick it out of the chore hat and it's not a practice... See, there it is. But that was a practice. The system works!
-Homer Simpson, "Little Big Mom"

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called..."The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down".
-Homer Simpson, "The Springfield Files"

The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... That was our planet! You maniacs!...You blew it up!... Damn you!... Damn you all to hell! [sobs]
-Homer Simpson, "Deep Space Homer"

Marge: I don't want you stalking people!
Homer: Fine, have it your own way. Now, I'll be back in a minute. I'm...going outside...to...stalk...Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
-The Simpsons, "Homer the Great"

Skinner: You wouldn't be getting a French boy. You would be getting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean all white with pink eyes?
-The Simpsons, "The Crepes of Wrath"

Homer: Bart, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: That's okay, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
-The Simpsons, "Like Father Like Clown"

Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
-Bart Simpson, "The Day the Violence Died"

Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
-Bart Simpson, saying grace, "Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish"

Can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?
-Chief Wiggum, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"

So, Broccolli, Mother says you're very good for me... Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you! The first rule of war is Know Thine Enemy, and I know this: Cold kills broccolli! It's so simple! All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow: a few sprinkles of genius with a CHANCE OF DOOM!
-Stewie Griffin

Meg: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.
Lois: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.
Stewie: Yes, how delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and...jellybeans...and...stickers...
-Family Guy

A-B-C-D-E-F-G... [long pause] How I wonder what you are...
-Ralph Wiggum

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer!
-The Simpsons, "Bart Gets an Elephant"

—————————————————————————
Carnac the Magnificent quotes
(Find the complete list here.)

A: Sis boom bah.
Q: What is the sound made by an exploding sheep?

A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

A: Old wives' tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

A: Trapper John.
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?

A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: The Big Ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.

A: Sanford and Son and Ed McMahon.
Q: Name three people who sell a lot of junk.

A: Los Angeles Dodgers.
Q: Who was just arrested for impersonating a baseball team?

A: Groundhog.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?

—————————————————————————

As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living. So we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
-Peter Griffin, Family Guy, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"

Bonnie: I am the Vigin Mary—that's my story and I'm stciking to it. Ohh, our savior has arrived!
Stewie. Good evening. I'm playing the role of Jesus, a man once portrayed on the big screen by Jeffrey Hunter. You may remember him as the actor who was replaced by William Shatner on "Star Trek." Apparently Mr. Hunter was good enough to die for our sins but not quite up to the task of seducing green women.
-Family Guy, "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"

Stan: Right as Jesus was dying he raised his hand [Stan makes the Vulcan salute] and said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
Randy: You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right. Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book.
Stan: It ain't bad. You should try reading it some time.
Kyle: Dude, that was "Star Trek" again! "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"—that was Wrath of Khan!
Stan: Oh... Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?
-South Park, "Spontaneous Combustion"

Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have roddenberries.
-Leela, Futurama, "The Problem With Popplers"

Never admit that you can type.
-Annie, State and Main by David Mamet

Officer Barbrady: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement!
Cartman: They're not people; they're hippies!
-South Park, "Die Hippie, Die"

Now you see, Lone Starr, that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
-Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

Colonel Sandurz: [voice squeaks] Prepare ship... Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts. Seal all entrances and exits. Close all shops in the mall. Cancel the 3-ring circus. Secure all animals in the zoo...
Dark Helmet: Gimme that, you petty excuse for an officer!... Now hear this: ludicrous speed—
Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Helmet: Ah, buckle this. Ludicrous speed...GO!!! ...[Ship goes into ludicrous speed] WHOOAAA! What have I done!!! My brains are going into my feet!...
-Spaceballs

It's Mega Maid, sir. She's gone from suck to blow.
-Colonel Sandurz, Spaceballs

Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
-Mr. Garrison, South Park, "Trapper Keeper"

Stewie: Aaagghh, my teeth!
Stewie's incisor: I'm free! Free! I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor.
Stewie's bicuspid: I think not.
Incisor: (Gasp!) Bicuspid! We meet again.
Bicuspid: Have at you!
Incisor: En garde!
[They struggle to move near each other but don't budge.]
Bicuspid: Well, shall we bite the tongue, then?
Incisor: On three. One, two...
Stewie: Aaahhh!!!
-Family Guy, "The Basement Bar"

We're always happy,
Life's for living, yeah, that's our philosophy.
-Mungo Jerry, "In the Summertime"

What is dancing but making love set to music?
-Sammy Cahn, "Come Dance With Me"

Al Gore: You know, Jim, the Governor may not believe me when I say this, but two seasons ago Mark McGwire hit 70 home runs. I didn't make that up; it was 70. Those are not my numbers.
George Bush: He's still no Benny Agbayani.
-SNL, 2nd Bush–Gore debate

Al Gore: Jim, you know, uh, this might sound like a big exaggeration, but America really needs to understand that I am the nicest, most likeable person who has ever lived.
Jim Lehrer: Governer Bush?
George Bush: Just this: The sixth sheik's sixth sheep is sick.
Al Gore: [slams hand on table] I agree!
-SNL, 2nd Bush–Gore debate

Sean Connery: I pose a conundrum to you. A riddle, if you will.
Alex Trebek: I don't want to hear it.
Sean Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but you're mother's a whore.
-SNL

The more I think about it, old Billy was right:
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight.
-Don Henley/Glenn Frey, "Get Over It"

Tom Tucker: And here's where we produce our in-studio celebrity interviews. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's almost impossible to book, but we got him. [Footage of him interviewing him]: So Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
Hoffman from The Graduate: Are you trying to seduce me, [dubbed-over voice] Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: [laughs] I am not trying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great.
Hoffman from Rain Man: Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to "Whapner."
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...
Hoffman from Hook: Bring me Peter Pan!
-Family Guy, "The Kiss Seen 'Round the World"

It's very nice to go trav'ling
to Paris, London, and Rome
It's oh-so-nice to go trav'ling
But it's so much nicer, yes, it's so much nicer to come home.
- "It's Nice To Go Trav'ling"

Jebediah Springfield [in video]: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
Mrs. Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.
Ms. Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.
-The Simpsons, "Lisa the Iconoclast"

Bart: A nanny?
Homer: But how am I supposed to pay for that?
Lisa: We'll find a way. Mom has made so many sacrifices for us, it's time we gave up something for her. I'll stop buying Malibu Stacy clothing.
Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't do anything!
Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?... Hey, wait a minute, he didn't!
-The Simpsons, "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious"

Homer, don't take this personally, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
-Marge Simpson, "Lisa's Wedding"

Homer: Where are you going at this hour?
Bart: On a treasure hunt.
Homer: Ooh, can I come?
Grandpa: Only if you're ready to stare danger in the face, put your manhood to the ultimate test, and take—
Homer: Pass.
-The Simpsons, "Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish'"

Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that can be extracted for our personal use.
-Homer Simpson

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly… It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.
-The Simpsons, “Blood Feud”

“Relax,” said the night man.
“We are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
but you can never leave.”
-Don Henley, “Hotel California”

Second star to the right...and straight on 'til morning.
-James Kirk, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, quoting Sir James Barry (Peter Pan)

This is indeed a disturbing universe.
-Maggie Simpson, “Treehouse of Horror V”










| Quotes entry page |
| Home | Political Quotes | Religious Quotes | Miscellaneous Quotes |